Revealed for the first time: the Christmas-snatching Grinch is actually a politically-correct progressive. Here are the top ten pieces of evidence.

1. Instead of using a snowmobile prefers more environmentally-correct dog-powered sled.

So he took his dog Max, and he took some black thread, and he tied a big horn on the top of his head. 

2. As a vegan, the Grinch refuses to eat Roast Beast.

3. Out-of-touch mountain retreat similar to confines of Washington D.C. beltway. (Both are also snow-covered thanks to Copenhagen treaty.)

4. Turning green from a lack of protein.

5. Hates Christians.

Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk... Mr. Gri-inch 

6. Hates Christmas.

The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right.

7. Steals from taxpayers by promising to make things better. (Think Social Security, Medicare, Medicade, The VA hospital system, etc.)

So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear. I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here. 

 8. Lack of bathing facilities not a problem for Grinch.

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: Stink, stank, stunk! 

9. Distrusts free market.

He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.

10. Anti-competition.

And they'll play noisy games like zoozit and kazay, a rollerskate type of lacrosse and croquet! 

George "Butch" Dawkins, a Bedford, Pa. layabout and binge drinker, said he experienced a Christmas miracle, one that will change his life until probably New Years Eve when he plans to hit the bars again.

Dawkins said he had been feeling depressed, due to his limited beer money and poor cable television channel selection, and was visited by an angel-second-class named Clarence.

"He was trying to earn his wings," said Dawkins. "I love wings, too, but not in the same way. This was just the first of many theological inconsistencies that we had to hammer out."

Dawkins, who has drawn disability checks for the past ten years due to chapped lips, was then taken into what he described as a parallel universe where he had never been born. His hometown of Beford, Pa. was thriving without his presence.

"Well, the bars took kinda a hit," said Dawkins. "But everything else seemed to be doing fine, almost prosperous."

Clarence, Dawkins' guardian angel, said he was taken aback by the situation.

"I couldn't believe it," said Clarence. "I never saw so many smiling faces in all my life. It was like the town and nation had shaken off some great burden."

If Clarence expected a family visit would make Dawkins feel better, he was certainly disappointed.

"Well, we went to the familly trailer and, my luck, they actually live in a house now," said Clarence. "A house."

In this parallel universe, Marlena, Dawkins' wife, married a non-abusive man and the kids have an involved father.

"I couldn't imagine being happier," said Marlena.

Dawkins was returned to his present life after just seeing how well off his town and community was without his presence.

"Hello you great big beautiful Payday Loan building," Dawkins screamed as he ran drunk  through the streets.

"They really had a wonderful life," said Dawkins.

 Ebenezer Scrooge writing monologue for his new show on Air America

Ebenezer Scrooge, or just Scrooge, has often been portrayed as a miserly Conservative.

However, a closer examination of the skinflint character from Charles Dickens's Christmas classic, A Christmas Carol, reveals that, on the contrary, Scrooge is a progressive.

Here are eleven reasons why Scrooge is a progressive.

1) Scrooge relies on government programs to handle poverty.

And the Union workhouses demanded Scrooge Are they still in operation? The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full then? said Scrooge.

2.) He ignores private charities as the most effective way to help people in need.

I help to support the establishments I have mentioned they cost enough and those who are badly off must go there. 

3.) Scrooge, an environmental progressive, refuses to allow his staff members to burn coal.

Scrooge had a very small fire but the clerk's fire was so very much smaller that it looked like one coal. But he couldn't replenish it for Scrooge kept the coal box in his own room and so surely as the clerk came in with the shovel the master predicted that it would be necessary for them to part.

4.) Apparently uses energy-saving florescent bulbs instead of incandescent light bulbs.

5.) Afraid his majority cultural lens will drown out alternative voices, Scrooge made sure he never said "Merry Christmas." Prefers the more politically-correct "Bah Humbug."

6.) Like all progressives, Scrooge hates Christians.

"If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!" 

7) Scrooge shares the ideology of noted 21st century progressives, like Morgan Spurlock, by blaming meat and food industries for ills.

"You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!"

8.) Scrooge's rampant agnosticism hinders his acceptance of spirits.

9.) Faults the success of the human species for bringing undue burden on the earth and advocates a Darwinian form of genocide to solve the problem of over-population.

If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.

10.) Encouraged deficit spending.

What’s Christmas time... but a time for paying bills without money.

Now everyone will have to wait to exhale, according to EPA Administrator Lisa Tito Jackson.

The EPA's recent ruling that carbon dioxide endangered human health put the agency in direct conflict with power plants, factories, and human breathing. The creation of carbon dioxide is part of the breathing process. The body pulls in oxygen and breathes out CO2. (The two stands for "twice as bad as CO, which is a harmless gas used for killing people.)

Jackson said breathing is extremely dangerous for humans.

"There is now absolutely no doubt that carbon dioxide is harmful," said Jackson. "For example, it's intrinsic to plant growth. And some of those plants are poisonous. So. There's that."

Jackson said that breathing, specifically exhaling, will be outlawed. Although people can purchase exhaling credits from the Al Gore Carbon Offset and Poetry Slam Institute.

"Sometimes we have to destroy life, in order to save it," Jackson said. "And sometimes we have to destroy industries, in order to create ones that you have a more significant financial position in."

Businesses and several green, leafy vegetables are railing against the new ruling, which will set up steep regulations.

Nunzio, a talking head of lettuce, admits he doesn't like to see the continued subjection of animal life on vegetable life, but believes this goes too far.

"I quite like humans breathing on me," said Nunzio. "Well. Most."

The EPA said that inhaling has not been labeled an illegal offense.

"But don't hold your breath," said Jackson.