Pennsylvania Governor Edward "Gigi" Rendell and a group of New York hookers are reportedly still at an impasse over a payment plan. But, according to the office of the Governor, the two sides are "close" to a new budget and were spending some time going over figures.

"We're optimistic that a deal can be worked out," said Dalton "Huggy Bear" Baker spokesperson for a prostitute, who goes by the number "19."

"I don't wanna get violent, or anything, you know, it ain't my style." Mr. Bear continued.

While government officials are spending the taxpayer dime on travel, junkets, and liaisons with call girls, Pennsylvanian workers are still not being paid. 

Rendell is trying not to jeopardize needed services, said R. Kelly Snodmeir, the governor's spokesperson.

"And, by 'jeopardizing needed services,' the Governor said he doesn't mean things like police services or road repair," said Snodmeir. "He's referring to those necessary functions of government officials, like flying to Argentina to engage in relationships outside of the marriage and secret flings with hookers, those types of things." 

Some Pennsylvania hookers are angered that the Governor is setting up deals with outside services.

"Whatta those gals got that we ain't got," said Florence, a Harrisburg hooker. "Besides teeth? And freshly-laundered clothes? And a clean bill of health?" 

Rendell is angered at the response from keystone state call girls.

"I've done more for them than any other sitting, recling, or laying down governor in Commonwealth history!" said Rendell, clearly angered. "They should put a statue of me on their mantle, or whatever decorative perch a brothel has." 

 Severe weather ripped across the country this weekend claiming at least one life and culling about 20 from the herd through stupidity.

 "I was sittin' right next to him, watchin' the lightning when he told me, 'hey, I ain't been swingin' my big aluminum pole on top of the garage roof lately'" said Laytrelle Fusk, of Cornhusk Hill, Kansas. "I thought it a bit funny he wanted to do this in the middle of a severe thunderstorm."

Fusk said her husband was blown off the roof by a series of lightning strikes.

"I told him we could wait until an ice storm to swing the aluminum pole on the roof," said Fusk. "But but he was right, we haven't swung the pole in a long time."

Two more Cornhusk Hill residents were killed trying to readjust their satellite television dishes during the storm, after lightning apparently interrupted their pay-per-view porn shows.

A Missouri resident drowned crossing a river during a flash flood, falsely believing because he floated down the river last summer in an inner tube, his cars four wheels would quadruple the buoyancy.

"He was an inquisitive soul," said Arbuckle T. Granner, cousin of the deceased. "Who am I to stand in the way of science? What would have happened if the someone would have told Galileo to never fly a kite. We'd have never had kites."

The storms also spun off a series of tornadoes, killing a few amateur storm chasers.

One witness said the chasers appeared to head straight for the middle of the twister.

"I think they was screaming something, like an obscenity," said witness Tony Pharish. "'Course it could be they was just praying to Jesus as the winds and debris was tearing open their Subaru Forester into a kind of metallic chaffe."

Pot: You're black.

The post-racism world of kitchen implements and ironmongery was turned upside down this week as a case of alleged racial profiling surfaced. According to a lawsuit filed by Kettle, Pot made references to Kettle's blackness on several occasions.

In a twist, Pot is also black.

Lawyers for Kettle said that it's a dramatic example of racial profiling.

"The incident reveals that color still matters," said Stew P. Levinson, who is heading up Kettle's legal team. "There's no reason to use these ugly, racial identifiers."

In his defense, Pot said the statements were taken out of context.

While he did label Kettle, "black," Pot said that he was just trying to make a reference. Defense attorneys for Pot will file a motion to dismiss the case, adding that it's a crock. 

Pan and skillet, who both witnessed the incident, said they were shocked at Kettle's political correctness.

"I was, like, why you wanna say that," said Pan. "But it was too late, like, do you really wanna go there? But it was too late. He went there in a big way, you know what I'm saying."

Pan reportedly heard Pot use the "n" word--non-stick--used during the conversation.

The Reverend Al Sharpton, speaking on CNN's Larry King Show, said that the incident reveals just how far the country has to go and how much money Americans will have to pay to heal those wounds of racism and classism and ismism.

"I'm just glad there are tools, like Pot, out there," said Sharpton. "It keeps people like me employed."

 The Deficit Falcon, as envisioned in this NASA reproduction.

The National Air and Space Administration (NASA) and the Federal Reserve Board (NADA) say they're ready to take the next giant leap: Mars.

The two government agencies are partnering on a project that would stack dollar bills from earth to Mars and serve as a bridge for astronauts traveling to the red planet.

"At its closest, Mars is still more than 30 million miles away," said NASA-Fed project leader James "Ace" Grippem. "That's roughly the circumference of House of Representatives Henry Waxman's ears. It's that big!"

Grippem said stacks of money printed by the Federal Reserve.

"No one's even gonna miss the dollar bills at the Fed," Grippem said. "That place is full of money, among other refuse."

According to Ben "Spanky" Bernanke, who leads both the Federal Reserve Board and Masonic plot to control the world, it would take roughly six days for the Fed printing presses to rattle off enough dollar bills to reach Mars, unless there's a federal holiday, or they need to bailout the bailout program.

Bernanke has been asked to lead the mission. Although, more Americans are suggesting that President Barack Obamato become the first man on Mars.

Mars, which was named for jazz trumpeter Mars Davis, will continue to be a challenge even as astronauts safely jump off the stack of dollar bills. The atmosphere is composed mostly of carbon dioxide, derived, most likely from the enormous amounts of muscle cars on the planet.

Scientists expect the astronauts to immediately impose a cap and trade program on the Martian people to both destroy their economy and rapidly alter their environment to one that is more hospitable to human life.

Cro-G-X12, a leader of the Martian Planetary Alliance, said he welcomes earthlings.

"We await your arrival with much anticipation," said Cro-G-X12. "You see, we are having a bit of trouble in our Insurance underwriting industry and need some funds to prop up the market. Please bring a trillion of your earth dollars. Oh, and some chicks."

Cro-G-X12 warned against sending Obama.

"We have strict immigration policies," said Cro-G-X12. "Your president can not use his fake birth certificate to be given access to Martian soil. Hawaii... Right. And I was born in the Martian canal zone!"

"End of transmission."