Suicide Bombers protest lack of tolerance in America.

Alak Hussein Hallam is just an average American citizen who believes he must blow up other American citizens.

He shares this belief with dozens--or perhaps hundreds--more Al Qaeda sleeper cells that are filtering into America.

Why then, Hallam, wonders is this country--that tirelessly advocates intellectual freedom--continually trying to thwart him from completing his mission?

"I go to the hardware store and ask for the ingredients to plastic explosives," said Hallan. "And immediately I'm told that I can't have it because it could be used in suicide bombing. But how do they know that? Because I am Muslim!"

He also has a t-shirt that says, "I Am A Suicide Bomber."

Hallam said he was recently turned down by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Dangerous Toys for a permit to carry a bazooka.

"They just looked at the complexion of my skin, the dagger I clenched between my teeth, and my Al Qaeda discount card and they said no," Hallam said. "Harassment reaches to the top level of this government!"

Hallam says this incessant harassment has occurred when he attempted to buy explosives at Lowes, Home Depot, Ace Hardware, and the Dollar Tree.

"Although, I was really just after some Cheetoz at the Dollar Tree, but I thought I'd give it a try," said Hallam. "I was hungry from all the anti-Islamic venom that this country is full of."

Hallam admitted that the Dollar Tree did sell him Cheetoz.

"Sure, this vile country will provide me with all the artificial flavoring and preservatives to fulfill my wanton craving for snacks, but it will not fulfill my craving to do the will of jihad!"

Hallam's lawyer, Mickey Fortunata, said that the United States once prided itself on intellectual honesty. He added that this hypocrisy has alienated many in the Islamic world who want to blow Americans up.

"If you wanted to blow some people up and people kept stopping you, wouldn't you want to blow them up more," asked Fortunata. "No wonder people want to blow us up."

Hallam said he just wants Americans to accept him as a messenger of piece.

"A piece here and a piece there," he added.

America: After Obama's first term.

Even though the obama2012.com url is already registered, ancient Mayans and Hollywood movie producers believe Obama's first term will end in cataclysmic disaster.

Summerforest Raintree, a scholar of ancient Mayan culture and founder of Moe Hair, a  non-gender beauty shop in Los Angeles, said that the Mayan calendar ominously ends in 2012, exactly when Obama's second term would begin.

"While the Mayans have not left us any specific details on how the world would end, life as we know it will not exist after 2012," Raintree said."Life on Mars will go on. So that's lucky."

Since the Mayans never left exact details on how the world would end or whether they simply got bored with calendar-making, Raintree relies on spirit communication to discern the ancient people's intention.

"I channel several Mayan spirits, including one named, Bert, but he's not very chatty." said Raintree. "All believe that the world will end in 2012, right after lunch."

The Mayan calendar is one of the most astronomically precise calendars of the ancient world and one of the few ancient calendars that can predict National Dairy Month and Super Bowl Sunday with pinpoint accuracy.

"Even the great Roman culture could not keep track of Dairy Month," said Raintree. "Likewise, the Egyptians built the Great Pyramid without the full knowledge of the Super Bowl, even though the Mayans predicted the annual football extravaganza." 

Hollywood producers are also foretelling an Obama presidency that will end the world. The movie 2012, which will be released on November 13, shows the Obama reign ending in complete catastrophes. Volcanoes, tidal waves, and earthquakes are among the disasters that Obama will unleash in his final days.

"It's a judgment of God," said director Roland Emmerich. "Along with the incredible deficit spending and the cap and trade bill."

"We didn't know where he was!" redneck mama Lurdale Haffenfoot, of Snyder Township said, as tears of joy streamed down her face.

Lurdale was pleased to find out that her 8-year-old boy, Clifford Rusty Wallace Haffenfoot, was found alive near a 30-foot Mylar balloon shaped like a UFO. The balloon had been constructed as a big nitrous gas-huffing experiment by her live-in boyfriend, Kurt "Mr. Science" Browning.

Dubbed the "World's Largest Whippit," the balloon was a favorite party favor for neighborhood barbecues, keg parties, and meth fests. Between parties, the balloon was filled with helium and hoisted on blocks--like everything else in the family's front yard--for storage.

"I told him, 'that 30-foot Mylar balloon shaped like a UFO ain't no toy,'" Browning said. "'That's what them refrigerators are fer!' I said."

Clifford did not take his step-something-or-other's advice. The boy and the balloon disappeared. He was seen flying over Ebensburg, his mouth attached to the valve of the balloon, sucking for dear life.

Fortunately, a group of hunters, illegally poaching deer, placed a few well-aimed shots in the UFO and it descended to earth at a survivable rate.

Clifford wasn't injured in the landing, but he is expected to talk like Minnie Mouse until he's 12.

The parents were relieved and said they learned their lesson.

"Next time, we'll just use the extra yard space and spare intellectual curiosity to cook meth," said Browning.

When Gummi Bears attack. Global warming shrinks chewy bear habitat.

While Hollywood stars and former Vice Presidents warn about the implications global warming will have on mythical creatures like polar bears and Eskimos, one group is fighting to save the struggling Gummi Bear population.

Brent Hartson, leader of the Gummi Bear Coalition, said that global climate change is shrinking the habitat of the delicious creatures.

"We believe by 2012, there won't be any Gummi Bears," said Hartson. "They will go the way of other creatures destroyed by man's evilness and greed, like the marshmallow Do-Do peep."

Hartson said thousands of Gummi Bears have melted into a sticky goo. Thousands more are threatened.

Another worry is that as they become pressed into a tighter and tighter habitat with fewer resources, the Gummi Bears may end up stalking humans. A similar effect has occurred to stressed polar bear populations and Oprah at a dwindling buffet table.

"Oprah once charged the wait staff that was lingering to close to the shrimp dish," said Hartson. "A lot of people don't know that."

Despite numerous attempts the group has not been able to enlist the aid of a Hollywood celebrity, who tend to help "cuddly" animals and detoxing fellow actors.