The Cuban economy, touted as one of the finest examples of social engineering, features free health care, free education, and free indentured servitude for life.

As a worker in Cuban economy, you're guaranteed these things.

However, on a salary of $17 a month, you have to work a little longer for some of life's other Cuban pleasures.

For a Cuban sandwich = 2 weeks.

Cuban bread = 3 weeks.

Cuban heel stockings = 1 month.

Cuban jazz album = 1 month.

Cuban espresso = 2 months.

Book on Cuban missile crisis = 1.5 months.

Cuban heel shoes = 3.5 months.

Mark Cuban's autograph = 5 months.

Cuba Gooding Jr.'s car = 105.5 years

House in little Cuba section of Tampa =980 years.

Congoese out crazy bitch claiming to be Secretary of State.

Secretary of State Bill Clinton's wife recently held a press conference in the Democratic-ish Republic-esque of Congo-thereabouts.

The following is a transcript from the question and answer session:

Audience member 1: Hello, Mrs. Clinton. Two part question. What is Bill doing these days? And who is he doing?

Bill's Wife: Umm. Not sure. I don't think I got the translation.

Audience member 2: Does he still eat a lot of hamburgers? I worry so much.

Bill's Wife: Can I have another question?

Audience member 3: Does Bill still get around with a lot of hot interns?

Bill's Wife: Probably. Hey. Wait a minute.

Audience member 3: And a follow up. What does Bill think are some can't miss pickup lines? I am heading to the club after this. I'll sit down and listen to your answer.

Bill's wife: I can't channel Bill Clinton. I'm the Secretary of State!

Audience member 4: You're kidding? Bill Clinton's wife is Secretary of State! Which state? Anyhoo. First of all, I really admired your work as Attorney General in Bill's administration.

Bill's wife: That was Janet Reno.

Audience member 4: No. She was cuter. Could I ask does Bill still follow golf and, if so, who is his favorite golfer?

Bill's wife: How should I know? I'm Secretary of State, dammit.

Audience member 4, being led off: Is it Tiger? Is it Tiger Woods?

Moderator: Last question for Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State. That's Secretary of State!

Audience member 5: Have you ever noticed that Bill only rescues young women from despotic regimes? You know, (using Bill Clinton imitation) Hey, Taliban, You have an American soldier captured. Is she hot? Whatta ya mean it's a guy...

Bill's wife: This is over. (in tears) I'm Secretary of State!

Audience member 5: Why don't you abduct some belly dancers and maybe I'll think more about it, you know...

(laughter)

Town hall meetings are not what the framers of our Constitution intended them to be, Democratic lawmakers are saying.

The Congressmen and Senators, who are not flying to Hawaii to study global climate change, are getting an earful from constituents about government-mandated health care and a rapidly-inflating deficit. Now, these officials are striking back.

"Town hall meetings were not designed for passionate discourse," said Sen. Arlen Specter, (R-D-R-D-R-D), a Pennsylvania Senator, who was recently shouted down at all of the meetings he held. "They're for photo opps and a place to tell people what I am going to do to them, not what they're going to do to me."

Specter pointed out that all through American history, the town hall meeting were all silent, civil affairs.

"During the American Revolution, colonists would gather together, smile, and applaud their representatives," said Specter. "Now, look at things. Horrible."

Specter and other Congressional leaders are laying down some ground rules for future town halls.

• First, there won't be any town halls.
• Second, if one breaks out, all members of the audience should sit down and shut up, except those situated in the Amen corner.
• Third, if anyone speaks  out during the session, they will receive immediate membership to the American Nazi Party. (The American Nazi Party is in favor of socialized health care, however.)

President Barack Obama agrees and disagrees with the new stance on townhall meetings.

"Change," said Obama. "Hope you can believe in."

Tom Dickerson, a Philadelphia-area resident, who did not review the new rules was forced to wear duct tape during the meeting.

"UMMMM. Mmmm. M-MM MMMmmm," Dickerson said. "UUUMmmmm. MmmmUHMmmm. M Uhhhmmmm. MMMmmm. mmm."

Clearfield County has introduced a pilot program to help mothers exchange their non-working significant others for cold cash, or cold beer.

The Cash-for-Drunkards is already flooded with requests, according to the county's White Trash collector, Orville Peabobby. According to Peabobby the county ran out of funds on only the third day.

"We're trying to raise the cash necessary to complete the project," said Peabobby. "But some women are expecting to fetch up to sixteen dollars and a thirsty-two ouncer for their menfolk. The country just doesn't have that kinda money and expect to tar and chip the roads."

Britni Delmarschwarts, a program participant, said she is happy with the program.

"I turned my old man in for two dollars," said Delmarschwarts. "It was a reasonable exchange seein' how I was able to use some of that money to get the kids a dog at the pound."

 Delmarschwarts said that the dog--a collie-spaniel mix--is more obedient and has a better bloodline than the former male head of the household that she refers to only as Sperm Donor.

Another option is for women to exchange their deadbeat dads for newer, more efficient models that work on less octane. Finding those more efficient models does create a problem.

"It's not that it's hard to find a man in Clearfield," said Charlene Rae Wilterson, local tramp. "It's just finding one who ain't incarcerated or on the road to get incarcerated that's the problem."