Congress plans extra-stupid legislation to destroy country and *cross fingers* planet. 

Congress is planning to rush through enough legislation to destroy the nation before the strict December 2012 end-of-the-world deadline set by the Mayan calendar and Obama's Armageddon Czar.

"We will work with the President every way possible to ensure that his legacy as an American president is the last such legacy in human history," said Speaker of the House Representative Nancy Pelosi.

Pelosi said that a series of misguided financial reforms, increased spending, and "killer" taxes should suffice to destroy the country, if a more practical world-ending event is not forthcoming.

"We just can't sit around and wait for an asteroid," said Pelosi. "As much as the History Channel wants that to happen. The American people expect us to be proactive."

 Obama said that he will work with Congress to make sure the legislation passes in a timely fashion.

"I have destroying the world penciled in right after the Stevie Wonder tribute at Ford Theater and my golf tee time," said Obama. "Hey, did you hear there was some kind of leak in the Gulf of Mexico, or something? Kick ass, right?" 

O-Blob-ma! O-Blob-ma! O-Blob-ma! Oil blob is new media darling.

A blob of oil that has been drifting aimlessly in the Gulf of Mexico--much like the Obama Administration--will hold a press conference that media pundits believe will be more meaningful than President Barack Obama's latest press outing.

"It's really a chance to set the record straight," said the blob. "The media makes it sound like we are aimless, like Obama. We are actually moving with a strong current. This is a vital difference."

Obama is not moving at all. When he does, he moves against the current, the blob added. 

The blob is appointing a commission and several cabinet posts to give the American people and especially residents of the Gulf more confidence in its handling of the oil spill.

There are similarities between Obama and the oil blob, however. Even the blob recognizes that he has no executive experience, which is also a charge leveled against Obama. 

"At least I don't need a teleprompter," said the blob. 

Obama refers to Bush as "He Who Must Be Named." 

Barack Obama said that former President George W. Bush is the reason behind his rampant Bush-blaming.

"I inherited my blaming of Bush from Bush," Obama said. "I didn't choose the situation." 

Recently, Obama blamed Bush for the BP oil spill, adding that the "B" probably stands for Bush.

"I had every intention of blaming the accident on a combination of mechanical and human error," said Obama. "But, then I thought that Bush would want me to blame it on him. I was forced to do it."

Liberals agree with Obama's assessment.

Myrtle P. Briggins, a left-leaning Johnstown resident, adds that Bush is behind the rampant Bush-blaming.

"He lied, people died," said Briggins. "It's Bush's fault."

Obama has promised he would appoint a commission to investigate Bush-blaming, but has not made much headway.

"I won't say why," Obama said. "But his last name starts with a B and ends with an H and has US in the middle. His middle initial is W. And his first name is George." 

President Barack Obama's promise finding asses to kick is only one of executive branch expletives.

Here are some other famous presidential curses, toned down by history.

"I can not tell a goddamnable lie, I chopped down the cherry tree."

--George Washington

"Four score and, shit, I don't know, seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men were created equal, n shit."

--Abraham Lincoln

"We have nothing to fear, if ya'll make fear yo bitch."

--Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Ask not what ya country can do fo ya assholes, ask what ya assholes can do fo ya country."

--John F. Kennedy

"Mr. Gorbechev, tear down this fuckin' wall."

--Ronald Reagan

"I feel ya'll's motherfuckin' pain."

--Bill Clinton

Bitch, don't sleep during my speech. 

Barack Obama