Blumenthal gestures relative size of leprechaun enemies he dispatched during war. 

Connecticut Attorney General and last year's Dance with the Stars winner, Sir Richard Blumenthal was awarded the prestigious Purple Heart with Green Clovers and Blue Diamonds.

Blumenthal won the award during combat maneuvers years ago against Leprechauns. Often called, "The Forgotten War," Blumenthal and thousands of other delusional politicians were caught up in a overseas contingency operation against the Wee People.

"I left a lot of fine men--brothers--back there on those faire fields," Blumenthal said. "I don't think I ever came back. At least a part of me is back there. Could you cue up that Billy Joel song. What was it? Still in Saigon, or whatever it was."

Blumenthal told reporters he was attached to the 327th Magic Bean Division stationed in the Iron Da Nang Khe Sanh Pusan perimeter during the war. 

During one engagement, Blumenthal caught a sizable portion of fairy dust in his eyes, leading to temporary blindness. He said that the conflict's unpopularity and perhaps its lack of existence were reasons why the award was delayed. 

"They never acknowledged it," said Blumenthal. "Typical. I just got spat at in the face when I landed my magic broom in the San Francisco airport. That's the thanks I got."

"Although, it did help get the fairy dust out of my eyes, as I recall."

Blumenthal is also up for the Medal of Honor for his service against Sauron during a Lord of the Rings-themed live action role playing game last summer. 

Faisal Shahzad: and Army of One Brow 

Authorities are now saying that it wasn't radical Islam, foreclosure, or connections to Taliban that led Faisal Shahzad to place a car bomb in Times Square. It was a physical deformity.

Shahzad was constantly called the Unibrow Bomber as a child and teen, due to his one eyebrow. The name has stuck.

"Of course he was picked on as a teen at the Madrassa and, then, later at the Happy Jihadi terrorist training camp in Pakistan," said Muhammed Jahidi, a friend. "We used to say, 'how are you going to kill innocent American women and children with that big caterpillar on your forehead?' and he used to say 'I will just blow them up.'"

Jahidi laughed, "He dealt with his pain the best he could."

This teasing can lead to violent behavior, according to Melanie Rebarr, a child psychologist and author of the book, Quit Picking on Adolf, How teasing hurts our terrorists.

"Everyone wants to know who to blame for the Times Square bombing," said Rebarr. "The answer is we are all responsible for it. Everyone but the guy who did it. And President Obama, who is faultless."

Rebarr was called Rebarr-tard in school, she added. 

Jimmie Dean LeRoy, of Chinasylvania, was charged with armed robbery, aggravated assault, and failure to yield the right-of-way to a time-space paradox.

Sergeant Bill Walenknacker, of the Altoona City Police, said that this type of thing happens occasionally.

"If you're hooked on meth, you'll do anything to satisfy that fix," said Walenknacker. "Including traveling through a wormhole to knock over a convenience story owned by your grandfather." 

Police said LeRoy needed the money to secure meth-amphetamine.

"I needed it so bad, real bad," said LeRoy. "So I secured the services of a time-space disruption machine from our Chinese overlords."

Police say that once LeRoy can arrange bail he is free to leave. Unfortunately most currency in the future has been eliminated and replaced with a tattoo on the forehead, called a "Obama."

LeRoy added that when he left Arlen Specter was running as a Communist, after switching from the Democratic Party, a party that has been outlawed by the ruling Chinese class for its left-leaning agenda. 

Arlen Specter seen here in his role of Dr. Benedict Evil in Austin Power's "The Senator who Screwed Us."

Arlen Specter lambasted his critics who said that yet another verbal snafu is a sign of the Senator's increasing senility.

Last week, Specter told one group he was proud to have the endorsement of the College Republicans, even though he's running as a Democrat. A really, really senile Democrat.

"I want to tell all my detractors that I am not senile," said Specter. "I am a traitor, a Benedict Arnold, a turncoat, a conniving politician. So, get it right."

Specter said his misidentification of the endorsement simply reflects his desperate, manipulative attempt to stay in power by any means possible.

"To suggest that I am going senile is an insult," Specter said. "I have worked long and hard trying to tarnish my name among the faithful of both parties and toss the name 'Arlen Specter' into the trashbin of history as a, at best, crackpot, and at worst, a traitorous, power-hungry autocrat who represents all that is wrong with late-20th century, early 21st century politics."

According to Specter, the insults are hurting his poll numbers, but he may switch to the Whig Party for a better shot at spending ten years wasting taxpayer money and ruining the country.

Members of the College Whigs have endorsed Specter's run on a Whig ticket.