After years of divisively being called Zombies and the Living Dead, flesh-eating creatures are now demanding respect.

Residents of the netherworld between life and death are now being asked to be called, "Undocumented Dead," to better describe their citizenship status.

Glrrp Grrp, who once went by the name John Rogers before he became undead, said that the more common referrences for his status are hurtful.

"Errr. Me no like Zombie. Very dehumanizing," said Grrp. "Argh. Me eat humanizing."

Grrp is hoping his efforts will pave the way for a new acceptance of Undocumented Dead among Americans.

"Me have dream. Errr. MMM." Grrp said. "Human one day known for taste of flesh, not content of character."

The Obama administration fully supports this change in status. 

 Grrp will be joining a group of Undocumented Dead protesting in Washington D.C. this weekend. The group has decided the site, which has hosted numerous Civil Rights rallies, will make the perfect spot to launch their own fight for recognition. The city also boasts other advantages for the Undocumented Dead. 

"MMM. Love taste of Fat Cats." 

The White House is distancing itself from stories that Bill Clinton offered a government position to a Sleestak to back away from competing in the Pennsylvania Democratic primary.

Clinton acknowledged that he offered a position as a nail carrier for a Habitat for Humanity project to a Sleestak.

"He was polling much better than Specter," Clinton said. "So I just offered him a gig with a little more meaning than Pennsylvania senator. I mean, get a load of Bob Casey. What has he done?"

"Besides," Clinton added. "It's been a while since I had a shot at a scandal that would demean the office of the President." 

The Sleestak refused to accept the position, citing the hours included a lot of daylight shifts. He said he may go up against Casey, when his term is up.

"I haven't seen Casey in the light of day in five frickin' years," said the Sleestak. "I've seen more llife in the bottom of a cave."

"Get a load of those eyebrows. No one will say Jack about my gigantic eyes or horn after they get a look at those woolly caterpillars." 

Blumenthal gestures relative size of leprechaun enemies he dispatched during war. 

Connecticut Attorney General and last year's Dance with the Stars winner, Sir Richard Blumenthal was awarded the prestigious Purple Heart with Green Clovers and Blue Diamonds.

Blumenthal won the award during combat maneuvers years ago against Leprechauns. Often called, "The Forgotten War," Blumenthal and thousands of other delusional politicians were caught up in a overseas contingency operation against the Wee People.

"I left a lot of fine men--brothers--back there on those faire fields," Blumenthal said. "I don't think I ever came back. At least a part of me is back there. Could you cue up that Billy Joel song. What was it? Still in Saigon, or whatever it was."

Blumenthal told reporters he was attached to the 327th Magic Bean Division stationed in the Iron Da Nang Khe Sanh Pusan perimeter during the war. 

During one engagement, Blumenthal caught a sizable portion of fairy dust in his eyes, leading to temporary blindness. He said that the conflict's unpopularity and perhaps its lack of existence were reasons why the award was delayed. 

"They never acknowledged it," said Blumenthal. "Typical. I just got spat at in the face when I landed my magic broom in the San Francisco airport. That's the thanks I got."

"Although, it did help get the fairy dust out of my eyes, as I recall."

Blumenthal is also up for the Medal of Honor for his service against Sauron during a Lord of the Rings-themed live action role playing game last summer. 

Faisal Shahzad: and Army of One Brow 

Authorities are now saying that it wasn't radical Islam, foreclosure, or connections to Taliban that led Faisal Shahzad to place a car bomb in Times Square. It was a physical deformity.

Shahzad was constantly called the Unibrow Bomber as a child and teen, due to his one eyebrow. The name has stuck.

"Of course he was picked on as a teen at the Madrassa and, then, later at the Happy Jihadi terrorist training camp in Pakistan," said Muhammed Jahidi, a friend. "We used to say, 'how are you going to kill innocent American women and children with that big caterpillar on your forehead?' and he used to say 'I will just blow them up.'"

Jahidi laughed, "He dealt with his pain the best he could."

This teasing can lead to violent behavior, according to Melanie Rebarr, a child psychologist and author of the book, Quit Picking on Adolf, How teasing hurts our terrorists.

"Everyone wants to know who to blame for the Times Square bombing," said Rebarr. "The answer is we are all responsible for it. Everyone but the guy who did it. And President Obama, who is faultless."

Rebarr was called Rebarr-tard in school, she added.