Governor Ed Rendell, who approaches taxes the way he assaults cheesesteak sandwiches, will reportedly expand the tax on table games to include air hockey and pool tables.

Jimmy "Extra Thumbs" Minnomano, the governor's table games liaison, said the tax is necessary to match the state government's wild spending spree.

"Here's da ting," said Minnomano. "If you want to provide for the needed government services--like, bribing state workers to help out on campaigns or large per diem checks--then you need to seek alternative revenue sources. Know what I mean?"

Air hockey and pool table owners would be forced to pay a $16 million license fee and pass on 6 percent of all income to the state.

The tax may be further expanded to cover board games like Monopoly. The play money used in those games is nearly as valuable as actual dollar bills thanks to extreme deficit spending.

"Hey. You pay real estate tax, right? So you land on Park Place. Pay up," said Minnoman. "Capiche?"

Minnomano said that allowing table games will not only provide more money for a corrupt government, it will make Pennsylvania more exciting.

"Hey. Class up da joint a little bit," said Monnomano. "A little bit."

The state's air hockey and pool players aren't happy with the tax, especially players who are currently on the state welfare roles.

Frank Walleye, a local pool shark and Welfare activist, said taxing him makes it harder for him to spend taxpayer money.

"It's a little like robbing Peter to rob Paul to rob some other guy," said Walleye. "Eight ball. Corner pocket."

Add the millions of productive disabled workers to the list of gripes that the millions of unproductive, able-bodied Welfare recipients have against society.

"It's not fair," said Billy Montaine, an Altoona welfare recipient, as he watches a paraplegic worker Don McCain program a computer by blowing into a tube. "What a show off."

Montaine, who's a third-generation welfare beneficiary, said that McCain and people like him cause uncomfortable feelings, which may be pangs of guilt.

"I can't be weighed down by a conscience," said Montaine. "I got beers to drink and ladies to romance. They're impinging on my wants and needs and it's not fair!"

McCain said he feels bad about Montaine's situation, but feels that in addition to earning money, he's contributing to society.

"Contributing?" questioned Montaine. "If everyone was contributing, there'd be no one left to take. And then what would happen to fat cat bureaucrats. Their families have to eat, too!"

Chantell Dertell, of Du Bois, shakes her head as Carlton Farber, a little person, clocks in for his job at a tool and die factory.

"My mama brought me up right," said Dertell. "She said when you got an excuse not to work, then you don't work. Here are people who have plenty of reasons to sit on their asses and watch the Tyra Show, but instead feel the need to perform labor."

Dertell threw her arms up, "It just makes me sick as sick can be. Although that may be the hangover talking."

President thinks these Bedouins with "super-friendly smiles" may be up to no good, maybe even terrorism, if there was such a thing.

President Barack Obama said that he has uncovered a group at work in the world whose mission is to kill Americans and destroy American interests.

"The name of this group," Obama pronounced solemnly. "Is Al-something. Al-Kinda. A-O-Kaida. Something like that."

The revelation came to light following an attempted bombing of an American airliner on Christmas Day. Prior to this, Obama was sure that attacks like these were caused by the Bush administration, Dick Cheney-trained guerrillas, the Jews, rogue Navy Seals, opponents of a college bowl system, or a combination thereof.

"Let's be clear on this, it appears that there may be... just may be... a group of people who want to attack Americans," said Obama. "They seem to want to terrorize us. It's hard to put a name on these actions though. A little help, teleprompter guy."

The president was careful not to name a religion as the ideological impetus for the group's existence.

"We have no signs that any religious instruction is behind the existence of this new organization," said Obama. He then coughed, "Islam. Islam. Sorry, I have something in my throat."

Obama cautioned, however, the group can't be termed a terrorist organization just yet because that may mean there is a war on terror.

"There has never been a war on terror," said Obama. "Let's be clear on that."

The group may be motivated by its hatred of following a "q" with a "u," the president theorized.

Statements from Homeland Security chiefette Janet Notgonnaworkhereanymore appeared to contradict Obama's assessment of a new group engaged in some kind of, like, terror.

"It was an accident, the guy's balls caught fire. Like that's a crime?" said the Notgonnaworkhereanymore. "Everything's fine. It really worked out. Hey. What me worry? Right?"

The President added that administration officials are extracting information from the bombing suspect as we speak.

"He will not be allowed cookies and milk at the same time," said Obama. "He muist either eat a cookie and then drink the milk, or he must drink the milk before he eats the cookie. But it can't be simultaneous. I don't know how he's going to last through that."

Obama concluded by saying he wished he watched "24" more often.

The People's Temple Speaks: Howard Zinn, History Channel prepare more Kool-Aid

The  History Channel will produce more episodes of its vastly biased and unpopular, "The People Who Agree With Celebrities Speak."

Hosted by Matt Damon, Sean Penn, and Eric Estrada, the series presents letters and documents of people whose words are perfectly in line with the left-leaning celebrities who read the documents with pseudo-seriousness.The show will be narrated by Howard Zinn, who agrees with people who agree with celebrities.

"These are the voices of the people who were really there doing things that most of my friends agree with, but things that we are too afraid to do because we prefer air-conditioned studios and sound stages, " said Damon. "These are the voices of the real people. Real people who I would normally never meet with."

Damon added that these voices are cherry picked from diverse parts of American society including Communists, Marxists, left-wingers, socialists, and National Socialists.

Damon said that they even asked recording artist Pink to read a document because it represents American pinkos.

The People Who Agree With Celebrities Speak will not include any voices of people who disagree with celebrities and people who may not share a slow-motion approach to a Stalinist regime, as espoused by several voices of people who agree with celebrities.

"The history of America is one of dissent," said Sean Penn, who reads a poem written by American socialist, Jim Jones. "But we don't want people who dissent with dissent to be heard, because that wouldn't be fair to people who agree with us."

The History Channel and the celebrities involved are owned by NBC.