President thinks these Bedouins with "super-friendly smiles" may be up to no good, maybe even terrorism, if there was such a thing.

President Barack Obama said that he has uncovered a group at work in the world whose mission is to kill Americans and destroy American interests.

"The name of this group," Obama pronounced solemnly. "Is Al-something. Al-Kinda. A-O-Kaida. Something like that."

The revelation came to light following an attempted bombing of an American airliner on Christmas Day. Prior to this, Obama was sure that attacks like these were caused by the Bush administration, Dick Cheney-trained guerrillas, the Jews, rogue Navy Seals, opponents of a college bowl system, or a combination thereof.

"Let's be clear on this, it appears that there may be... just may be... a group of people who want to attack Americans," said Obama. "They seem to want to terrorize us. It's hard to put a name on these actions though. A little help, teleprompter guy."

The president was careful not to name a religion as the ideological impetus for the group's existence.

"We have no signs that any religious instruction is behind the existence of this new organization," said Obama. He then coughed, "Islam. Islam. Sorry, I have something in my throat."

Obama cautioned, however, the group can't be termed a terrorist organization just yet because that may mean there is a war on terror.

"There has never been a war on terror," said Obama. "Let's be clear on that."

The group may be motivated by its hatred of following a "q" with a "u," the president theorized.

Statements from Homeland Security chiefette Janet Notgonnaworkhereanymore appeared to contradict Obama's assessment of a new group engaged in some kind of, like, terror.

"It was an accident, the guy's balls caught fire. Like that's a crime?" said the Notgonnaworkhereanymore. "Everything's fine. It really worked out. Hey. What me worry? Right?"

The President added that administration officials are extracting information from the bombing suspect as we speak.

"He will not be allowed cookies and milk at the same time," said Obama. "He muist either eat a cookie and then drink the milk, or he must drink the milk before he eats the cookie. But it can't be simultaneous. I don't know how he's going to last through that."

Obama concluded by saying he wished he watched "24" more often.

The People's Temple Speaks: Howard Zinn, History Channel prepare more Kool-Aid

The  History Channel will produce more episodes of its vastly biased and unpopular, "The People Who Agree With Celebrities Speak."

Hosted by Matt Damon, Sean Penn, and Eric Estrada, the series presents letters and documents of people whose words are perfectly in line with the left-leaning celebrities who read the documents with pseudo-seriousness.The show will be narrated by Howard Zinn, who agrees with people who agree with celebrities.

"These are the voices of the people who were really there doing things that most of my friends agree with, but things that we are too afraid to do because we prefer air-conditioned studios and sound stages, " said Damon. "These are the voices of the real people. Real people who I would normally never meet with."

Damon added that these voices are cherry picked from diverse parts of American society including Communists, Marxists, left-wingers, socialists, and National Socialists.

Damon said that they even asked recording artist Pink to read a document because it represents American pinkos.

The People Who Agree With Celebrities Speak will not include any voices of people who disagree with celebrities and people who may not share a slow-motion approach to a Stalinist regime, as espoused by several voices of people who agree with celebrities.

"The history of America is one of dissent," said Sean Penn, who reads a poem written by American socialist, Jim Jones. "But we don't want people who dissent with dissent to be heard, because that wouldn't be fair to people who agree with us."

The History Channel and the celebrities involved are owned by NBC.

 Jeff Baker, of Coalport, a town between Altoona and the third circle of hell, has the cowboy boots, the cowboy hat, and a belt buckle roughly the size of the wheel rim of the eighteen-wheel tractor and trailer that he drives.

 But, Baker said his ten gallon hat was deflated when he was informed that he wasn't a cowboy. Baker, it seems, is just a hick.

"Well, shucks sake, I'm about as unhappy as a jackrabbit at a wheel chair convention," Baker said. "And as low down as a snake's navel ring."

His inability to create proper cowboy euphemisms is another indication that the truck driver isn't a cowboy. Baker's cowboy lineage was further revealed when he thought a lasso was used to shine metal.

"Tarnations!" he said. "It's a rope? Well, I'll be a plucked chicken."

Glenda Baker, Baker's mother, said that her son has been under the delusion since he was young.

"He called snuff, 'ta-backy' and other such nonsense," said Glenda. "He never drove anything that wasn't a four-wheel-drive, if you're searching for trivia."

Baker said he is undergoing intensive psychotherapy to move him beyond his delusional thinking.

Dr. Freidrich Hoffenhowser has been working with Baker, using a form of aversive therapy.

"Everytime he says the word, 'howdy,' I smack him in zee head with his cowboy hat," said Hoffenhowser. "So far the therapy has not achieved any degree of success."

 "Howdie!" Baker added.

Despite numerous warnings from his father, a Nigerian terrorist was allowed to board and almost blow up an American plane on Christmas.

Now members of Obama's Office of Homeland Security and Happy Thoughts say they thought the whole thing was another Nigerian email scam.

Marjorie Junes, the administration's spam email czar, said she examined the missive from the father of Umar Abdulmutallab, who suspected his son was meeting with Islamic terrorists.

"Oh, come on, I'm not gonna fall for the whole my-Nigerian-son's-a-terrorist-and-wants-to-bomb-a-plane routine," said Junes with a laugh. "That's so Bush administration."

Junes said the warning had failed the Obama "sniff test."

"First, a terrorist?" said Junes. "There is no such thing as terrorism. There never has been such thing as terrorism."

The email czar said that Islam is now at peace with the United States, since the country has abandoned its imperial aims.

"Why would they want to attack us," asked Junes. "We're giving them back their training camps in Afghanistan and, if they play their cards right, they can have Iraq back, too."

One FBI agent said the suspect was trying to arrange bail and avoid possible imprisonment in a seaside resort on the island of Aruba, or a New Hampshire bed and breakfast.

"He says he has 20 million dollars in a secret account back in his home of Nigeria," said agent Steve Culson. "All you have to do is provide a bank account number and you will be rewarded richly."