Jeff Baker, of Coalport, a town between Altoona and the third circle of hell, has the cowboy boots, the cowboy hat, and a belt buckle roughly the size of the wheel rim of the eighteen-wheel tractor and trailer that he drives.

 But, Baker said his ten gallon hat was deflated when he was informed that he wasn't a cowboy. Baker, it seems, is just a hick.

"Well, shucks sake, I'm about as unhappy as a jackrabbit at a wheel chair convention," Baker said. "And as low down as a snake's navel ring."

His inability to create proper cowboy euphemisms is another indication that the truck driver isn't a cowboy. Baker's cowboy lineage was further revealed when he thought a lasso was used to shine metal.

"Tarnations!" he said. "It's a rope? Well, I'll be a plucked chicken."

Glenda Baker, Baker's mother, said that her son has been under the delusion since he was young.

"He called snuff, 'ta-backy' and other such nonsense," said Glenda. "He never drove anything that wasn't a four-wheel-drive, if you're searching for trivia."

Baker said he is undergoing intensive psychotherapy to move him beyond his delusional thinking.

Dr. Freidrich Hoffenhowser has been working with Baker, using a form of aversive therapy.

"Everytime he says the word, 'howdy,' I smack him in zee head with his cowboy hat," said Hoffenhowser. "So far the therapy has not achieved any degree of success."

 "Howdie!" Baker added.

Despite numerous warnings from his father, a Nigerian terrorist was allowed to board and almost blow up an American plane on Christmas.

Now members of Obama's Office of Homeland Security and Happy Thoughts say they thought the whole thing was another Nigerian email scam.

Marjorie Junes, the administration's spam email czar, said she examined the missive from the father of Umar Abdulmutallab, who suspected his son was meeting with Islamic terrorists.

"Oh, come on, I'm not gonna fall for the whole my-Nigerian-son's-a-terrorist-and-wants-to-bomb-a-plane routine," said Junes with a laugh. "That's so Bush administration."

Junes said the warning had failed the Obama "sniff test."

"First, a terrorist?" said Junes. "There is no such thing as terrorism. There never has been such thing as terrorism."

The email czar said that Islam is now at peace with the United States, since the country has abandoned its imperial aims.

"Why would they want to attack us," asked Junes. "We're giving them back their training camps in Afghanistan and, if they play their cards right, they can have Iraq back, too."

One FBI agent said the suspect was trying to arrange bail and avoid possible imprisonment in a seaside resort on the island of Aruba, or a New Hampshire bed and breakfast.

"He says he has 20 million dollars in a secret account back in his home of Nigeria," said agent Steve Culson. "All you have to do is provide a bank account number and you will be rewarded richly."

Revealed for the first time: the Christmas-snatching Grinch is actually a politically-correct progressive. Here are the top ten pieces of evidence.

1. Instead of using a snowmobile prefers more environmentally-correct dog-powered sled.

So he took his dog Max, and he took some black thread, and he tied a big horn on the top of his head. 

2. As a vegan, the Grinch refuses to eat Roast Beast.

3. Out-of-touch mountain retreat similar to confines of Washington D.C. beltway. (Both are also snow-covered thanks to Copenhagen treaty.)

4. Turning green from a lack of protein.

5. Hates Christians.

Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk... Mr. Gri-inch 

6. Hates Christmas.

The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right.

7. Steals from taxpayers by promising to make things better. (Think Social Security, Medicare, Medicade, The VA hospital system, etc.)

So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear. I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here. 

 8. Lack of bathing facilities not a problem for Grinch.

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: Stink, stank, stunk! 

9. Distrusts free market.

He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.

10. Anti-competition.

And they'll play noisy games like zoozit and kazay, a rollerskate type of lacrosse and croquet! 

George "Butch" Dawkins, a Bedford, Pa. layabout and binge drinker, said he experienced a Christmas miracle, one that will change his life until probably New Years Eve when he plans to hit the bars again.

Dawkins said he had been feeling depressed, due to his limited beer money and poor cable television channel selection, and was visited by an angel-second-class named Clarence.

"He was trying to earn his wings," said Dawkins. "I love wings, too, but not in the same way. This was just the first of many theological inconsistencies that we had to hammer out."

Dawkins, who has drawn disability checks for the past ten years due to chapped lips, was then taken into what he described as a parallel universe where he had never been born. His hometown of Beford, Pa. was thriving without his presence.

"Well, the bars took kinda a hit," said Dawkins. "But everything else seemed to be doing fine, almost prosperous."

Clarence, Dawkins' guardian angel, said he was taken aback by the situation.

"I couldn't believe it," said Clarence. "I never saw so many smiling faces in all my life. It was like the town and nation had shaken off some great burden."

If Clarence expected a family visit would make Dawkins feel better, he was certainly disappointed.

"Well, we went to the familly trailer and, my luck, they actually live in a house now," said Clarence. "A house."

In this parallel universe, Marlena, Dawkins' wife, married a non-abusive man and the kids have an involved father.

"I couldn't imagine being happier," said Marlena.

Dawkins was returned to his present life after just seeing how well off his town and community was without his presence.

"Hello you great big beautiful Payday Loan building," Dawkins screamed as he ran drunk  through the streets.

"They really had a wonderful life," said Dawkins.