Arlen Specter seen here in his role of Dr. Benedict Evil in Austin Power's "The Senator who Screwed Us."

Arlen Specter lambasted his critics who said that yet another verbal snafu is a sign of the Senator's increasing senility.

Last week, Specter told one group he was proud to have the endorsement of the College Republicans, even though he's running as a Democrat. A really, really senile Democrat.

"I want to tell all my detractors that I am not senile," said Specter. "I am a traitor, a Benedict Arnold, a turncoat, a conniving politician. So, get it right."

Specter said his misidentification of the endorsement simply reflects his desperate, manipulative attempt to stay in power by any means possible.

"To suggest that I am going senile is an insult," Specter said. "I have worked long and hard trying to tarnish my name among the faithful of both parties and toss the name 'Arlen Specter' into the trashbin of history as a, at best, crackpot, and at worst, a traitorous, power-hungry autocrat who represents all that is wrong with late-20th century, early 21st century politics."

According to Specter, the insults are hurting his poll numbers, but he may switch to the Whig Party for a better shot at spending ten years wasting taxpayer money and ruining the country.

Members of the College Whigs have endorsed Specter's run on a Whig ticket. 

Unaware that the phrase "think outside of the box" has been a cliche for 20 years, Democratic governor hopeful, Anthony Williams is testing a new slogan.

The Williams campaign is featuring new ads with the slogan, "think outside the Jack in the Box." All the ads feature Williams standing in front of a Jack in the Box restaurant. Although, his considerable girth hides much of the restaurant. 

Campaign handler, Nanette Wellington said the revitalized campaign in meant to erase the "think outside the box" blunder, while targeting a large, some might say fat, block of Pennsylvania votes.

"You know, fatties, heavies, porkers, obeasties, chunky monkeys, tubs, tubbies, etc. etc.," Wellington said. "Go to Johnstown and you can figure it out." 

Williams is also renewing his pledge to get guns off the street, especially harpoon guns. 

"The Founding Fathers never would have imagined that the Second Amendment would be used to protect psychopaths with harpoon guns," said Williams in a news release, written on the wrapper of a cheesesteak sandwich. "I was nearly harvested last year by a bunch of redneck whalers." 

Williams hopes to be the second Democratic governor who shops at the Big and Tall shop, if you know what we mean.

Ever notice that rich people are eccentric and poor people are weird?

Or that there's no male equivalent to the word, slut? 

The same thing happens when the media describes leftists and conservatives.

Here's your media guide to understanding how to describe actions by liberals and conservatives:
 

Liberals exercise their First Amendment rights; conservatives are divisive.

Liberals are passionate; conservatives are violent and repressive.

Liberals are steadfast against an agenda; conservatives are wrecking the spirit of bipartisanship.

Liberals form a group of protesters; conservatives form mobs. 

A liberal majority is the voice of the people; a conservative majority is a duped mass. 

Conservatives are racists; liberals use affirmative action. 

Liiberals stand up for their ideals; conservatives pose a threat. 

Liberals discuss; conservatives engage in dangerous rhetoric.

Liberal media stars are political commentators using their voices to express an important function of democracy; conservative media stars must be silenced.  

 New Congressional candidates take "Throw the Bums In" campaign to the street. (from Moonbattery)

Not satisfied with the new health care arrangement, 54 million uninsured people are running for Congress to get a piece of the government's Cadillac health care plan.

Frank Tuscan, a lard taste tester for the Cracker Barrel restaurant chain, said he will be running on the Keg Party ticket and added that his sense of duty to the country is the driving force behind his candidacy.

"How can I serve my country if I am not in ship-shape health," Tuscan said as he guzzled a ladle of lard into his corpulent body. "Once I have my third bypass, I can really get to work on expanding Social Security to illegal immigrants and foreign tourists."

Tuscan, a native of Coalport, said he has already picked up two key endorsements from the bartender and DJ at a local strip club.

"A, he is a good tipper," said Tuscan. "And two, he keeps his hands off the girls, which makes him better than those guys in office."

Tuscan has steep competition from the 53,999,999 congressional candidates, including single-grandmother of 12, Arleen Stampleton.

Stampleton is running against Tuscan, claiming she also needs the health insurance. The grandmother said a series of pre-existing conditions, including a crossbow arrow lodged in her forearm, are keeping her from insurance.

"You go to sleep one night healthy in a big game reserve while your wearing a buffalo rug and the next morning you wake up with a crossbow arrow in your arm and them people in the insurance racket cut you off like that," she said, flicking the arrow. "And they call this America. Or Portugal. Whatever."

She would be willing to marry Tuscan if she is elected and put him on her Congressional health plan, however.

"He got a good build," said Stampleton in a thick cloud of cigarillo smoke. "Plus he give me a good tip for my strip routine last night. He's a White Snake fan."