First it was the Easter Bunny. Then it was Santa Claus. Now it's the gods of science.

Despite having two non-working nipples, Percy Prescott has faithfully believed in the theory of evolution and other precepts of science. Now he finds his rock solid belief in agnosticism starting to crumble.

He said the cracks began to appear about the time he read news that climatologists had hidden evidence that runs counter to global warming dogma.

Prescott isn't even sure about plate tectonics anymore.

"Maybe earthquakes are caused by the weight of wickedness of any given city," mused Prescott. "Although why has Cleveland been relatively unscathed? Only more questions."

Prescott said he isn't sure about not being sure.

"I walk around wondering if there is no no God," Prescott said. "I have never questioned a double negative before."

Prescott has taken some steps to distance himself from his former hardline position as doubter.

"I took my Darwin fish off the bumper of my Subaru," said Prescott. "OK. It's actually my wife's Subaru, but she lets me take it on local trips."

Prescott isn't the only agnostic who is struggling with the fact that peer-reviewed journals may not be peer-reviewed, or reviewed at all, for that matter.

Barista and pendant artist Nicole Wattles said that Climategate has wrecked her belief in not believing. Wattles relies on science to properly heat her cappuccino and latte creations. Now, she just uses the microwave.

Wattles said she is now interesting exploring religions, but only ones that allow her to keep her cigarette-smoking habit and relaxed attitude toward sexual encounters.

"That was the real benefit of being an agnostic," said Wattles.

Pampered Chef presenter Wilma Flanders is struggling to explain how Vice President Joe Biden was able to crash a recent party at a Nashville couple's house yesterday.

To make matters worse, it was Jerry and Sheila Dorfmeyer's first attempt at hosting a party. And maybe their last.

"I have no idea how he got in," said Flanders. "Nobody invited him. He wasn't on the list. He just kinda showed up."

Jerry said the vice president's attendance at the party was a threat to the couple's security and a social setback for the couple, who were new to the community. They now feel the rest of the neighborhood believes they are Obama supporters and is now shunning them.

"He was annoying, too, always cracking stupid jokes," said Sheila. "Emphasis on the word, 'stupid'."

Biden did not buy anything, but did win a pair of steak knives during a game.

Biden admitted no wrong-doing, but it has been speculated that the VP is trying to land a spot on Real House Husbands of Washington D.C., a reality series that's in pre-production in the nation's capital.

Sheila said she totally hasn't ruled out hosting another party.

"Well, it wasn't Hillary, I guess," she said.

 Penn State climatologist and creative mathemagician Michael Mann said the Penn State Nittany Lions have been ranked too low in the Bowl Championship Series.

His numbers indicate that the Nittany Lions' position in the poll is higher now than it ever was in its storied history.

"The bowl-eligibility of Penn State has risen dramatically even though statistics from the Bowl Championship Series appears to show a decline," said Man "We can no longer continue to ignore this problem and must add more funding to this research." 

Penn State is currently ranked 13th in the BCS standings. Mann says that's way low. According to Mann, Penn State should be ranked number 1, above Florida and Alabama.

"We should be competing for a National Championship this year. Maybe even a global championship," Mann said.

Mann said he uses tree rings to determine national rankings.

Mann disagrees with SEC and ACC experts who have challenged his now famous hockey-stick chart that indicates Penn State football has undergone a steep climb, especially in the last decade. He has labeled these experts as skeptics who should be marginalized.

Joe Paterno appeared confused about the controversy.

"A clima-who?" said Paterno. "That Michigan State has a fast kid in there as QB. We can play with anyone when those kids are motivated to play. What was the question again?"

Mann has been joined by former Vice President Al Gore in finding fault with the BCS standings, even though he invented the bowl championship. 

"There's a time for truth and scientific analysis, but this is not one of them. This is a time for solidarity to a blind ideology that will create an expanded government mandate," Gore said. "I invented college football. It was during a picnic. I think it was on a Sunday."

Lincoln's holiday czars stick it to Americans seeking three-day weekend. 

During the Civil War, as the death count piled higher and higher and the country lay in ruins, not to mention that even the ruins lay in ruins, President Abraham Lincoln decided it was time to celebrate.

And offer thanks to God, or whatever form of higher power the people chose to believe in--as long as it was God.

The day of Thanksgiving would, inexplicably, be held on a Thursday. The move to have the holiday on a Thursday has troubled historians and binge drinkers alike.

But, here, for the first time, is the exact transcript from the National Archives of the cabinet meeting when Lincoln and his team of rivals decided to throw a party on Thursday.

Abraham Lincoln: Hey everyone. Check it. New hat.

William H. Seward, Secretary of State: Nice. I was going to ask if that was new.

Salmon P. Chase, Secretary of Treasury: (whistles) How much did that set you back? But you got bird poop on the top already, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Dang! Anyway. I was thinking. With all the death and destruction of the Civil War and freeing the slaves bit... yada yada yada... I think we need to get the people's minds off all these troubles and get them to count their blessings. I mean, have you seen my poll numbers? It's like I backed the government health care option or something. Sorry for being the Great Emancipator, people.

Chase: Not a bad idea. Maybe tie it in to some random American history event. Sorta an educational lesson. You know, if we added pilgrims and Indians into the mix, it would make some wonderful arts and crafts projects. Hey. Put your hands up like this. Doesn't that look like a turkey?

Edwin M. Stanton, Secretary of War: I'm booked solid in October. But November is wide open.

Lincoln: Check your calendars everyone: I got nothing the last Thursday in November, though.

Stanton: Thursday? That's a horrible day. How 'bout Monday or Friday. The people really like a three-day weekend. Lets them get their drink on and recover from their hangover.

Andrew Johnson, Vice President: Even a Wednesday. We could call it, Hump Day, or something. Maybe talk a little about Gettysburg. We really pulled that one out in the last minute. 

Lincoln: Can't do it. Friday is date night. And I usually write addresses to small Pennsylvania towns on Monday.

Chase: And won't people just be smart enough to blow off Friday and turn it into a four-day? C'mon people. Think outside the box. 

Lincoln: That's the way I'd play it, too, Sammy. Plus, we could have some football games on Thursday.

Stanton: I don't know. That short week will play havoc on Detroit. Like they need any more problems. Holy crap! Make sure you set your fantasy football team for the week!

Chase: I have the Eagle's D. Does that make sense?

Johnson: Like I can advise anyone. I picked up Kurt Warner.

Lincoln: Ouch. OK. Last Thursday in November it is. Now we have to give it a name that really pops.

Chase: How About "We Kicked Confederate Ass Day."

(Laughter)

Lincoln: Ha ha ha. I'm totally Tweeting that.