Senate Democrats, who are hoping to spend the country into a communist revolution, are crafting another stimulus program that's designed to get Americans back working. And have their children pay their wages.

The new program, called No Child Left A Dime, will release another "couple few hundred billion" into the American economy, magically creating jobs, careers, factories, roads, and fuzzy warm slippers for everyone.

Senator Harry Reid, the Nevada Democrat and sleazy guy depicted in the movie Casino, said the plan makes sense.

"It's based on the assumption that if you use something to solve a problem and it doesn't work, you just do the same thing... but do it with a lot more money... and the problem goes away," said Reid. "Magic, baby, Magic!"

Reid said the money to fund the program will be printed on the Federal Reserve Boards magic money printer. Willy Wonanke, the head of the fed's magic printing machine, said he can have the device working in minutes, if Congress so ordains.

"First the Oompa-loompas separate the dough from the cashola, then it gets sucked up the loot tube into the scratch vat where the dead presidents are imprinted on them," said Wonanke. "And then it's off to the drying room and on its way to you and me and good little boys and girls who will be indebted to the countries like China and India for the rest of their lives!"

At Wonanke's signal, the Oompa Loompas begin singing a song.

Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you crank out cash?
Printing as much as an elephant craps.
Don't you think the deficit's getting fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it
Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-da,
Given good fiscal discipline you will go far.
You will live in happiness too,
Like the oompa loompa do-ba-dee-doo.
Do-ba-dee-doo

"Magic, see!" Reid added. "I told you it's magic."

Congress also plans, while they're at it, to crank out additional Wananke bucks to pay for health care for unicorns which has now risen to the level of a crisis, said Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu, who plans to receive $300 million for the state's unicorn ranch.

"We believe that if this funding is not received, the unicorn could go extinct," said Landrieu. "Can you imagine never seeing a unicorn?"

Two Los Angeles cocktail waitresses who didn't sleep with Tiger Woods have finally stepped forward.

May Brunt and Kellie Frugar said they did not sleep with the billionaire golf pro. So far, they are the only cocktail waitresses who haven't slept with Woods.

Brunt said that she was off the night Woods stopped by the LA club where she has worked since September.

"I was, like, shoot," said Brunt. "What a rotten time to schedule a day off."

Brunt said every waitress working that night, four hostesses, and two girlfriends of parking lot attendants slept with Woods.

Frugar regrets taking a 15-minute cigarette break during Tiger's brief visit. During her break, Tiger had sex with every woman in the restaurant.

"Damn nicotine," said Frugar. "This is Big Tobacco's fault."

Frugar and Brunt will not only miss out on the fleeting shot at fame. Brunt, a model-actress, and Frugar, a actress-model, said the fling could be good for their careers.

"And he's a good tipper," said Frugar. "When his wife isn't with him."

First it was the Easter Bunny. Then it was Santa Claus. Now it's the gods of science.

Despite having two non-working nipples, Percy Prescott has faithfully believed in the theory of evolution and other precepts of science. Now he finds his rock solid belief in agnosticism starting to crumble.

He said the cracks began to appear about the time he read news that climatologists had hidden evidence that runs counter to global warming dogma.

Prescott isn't even sure about plate tectonics anymore.

"Maybe earthquakes are caused by the weight of wickedness of any given city," mused Prescott. "Although why has Cleveland been relatively unscathed? Only more questions."

Prescott said he isn't sure about not being sure.

"I walk around wondering if there is no no God," Prescott said. "I have never questioned a double negative before."

Prescott has taken some steps to distance himself from his former hardline position as doubter.

"I took my Darwin fish off the bumper of my Subaru," said Prescott. "OK. It's actually my wife's Subaru, but she lets me take it on local trips."

Prescott isn't the only agnostic who is struggling with the fact that peer-reviewed journals may not be peer-reviewed, or reviewed at all, for that matter.

Barista and pendant artist Nicole Wattles said that Climategate has wrecked her belief in not believing. Wattles relies on science to properly heat her cappuccino and latte creations. Now, she just uses the microwave.

Wattles said she is now interesting exploring religions, but only ones that allow her to keep her cigarette-smoking habit and relaxed attitude toward sexual encounters.

"That was the real benefit of being an agnostic," said Wattles.

Pampered Chef presenter Wilma Flanders is struggling to explain how Vice President Joe Biden was able to crash a recent party at a Nashville couple's house yesterday.

To make matters worse, it was Jerry and Sheila Dorfmeyer's first attempt at hosting a party. And maybe their last.

"I have no idea how he got in," said Flanders. "Nobody invited him. He wasn't on the list. He just kinda showed up."

Jerry said the vice president's attendance at the party was a threat to the couple's security and a social setback for the couple, who were new to the community. They now feel the rest of the neighborhood believes they are Obama supporters and is now shunning them.

"He was annoying, too, always cracking stupid jokes," said Sheila. "Emphasis on the word, 'stupid'."

Biden did not buy anything, but did win a pair of steak knives during a game.

Biden admitted no wrong-doing, but it has been speculated that the VP is trying to land a spot on Real House Husbands of Washington D.C., a reality series that's in pre-production in the nation's capital.

Sheila said she totally hasn't ruled out hosting another party.

"Well, it wasn't Hillary, I guess," she said.