President has bow movement in front of Japanese Emperor

President Barack Obama may not be getting many more invitations from foreign governments after an embarrassing display of submissiveness in front of the Japanese emperor and a delegation of Chinese technocrats.

Members of the Obama team say he's afflicted with a severe case of submissive urination that causes him to leak when he feels nervous or is in the presence of Alpha males... and alpha females. And, occasionally, beta males, females, and children.

He once peed through a meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, an unnamed Obama official said.

The official also said Obama repeatedly urinated in Tokyo's Imperial Palace before meeting the Japanese emperor.

 "It was everywhere," said Matsui Doshi, a custodian at the palace. "Sprinkle here. Sprinkle there."

 Doshi shakes his head, "Not bad enough you rain fire and atomic destruction down on our cities, now you pee all through palaces and places of government."

"I wish Clinton back," the custodian concluded. "He just bang interns in Imperial water closet."

The submissive urination problem grew worse during the President's visit to China.

A group of Chinese students looked on in horror as the President scampered around the room, bowed to everyone, and left several small pools on the floor of the People's Polytechnic Institute.

"We expect to dominate the 21st century," said engineering student Hu Wang-wei. "But, we wanted some type of many challenges. And his jokes not even funny."

White House sources said that help will be called. Burke Barkes, the so-called "President Whisperer," will be brought in to work with Obama.

"I will basically soothe him and whisper, 'You're the damn president of the United States for the love of God, wake up and show them you have a pair,'" Barkes said. "Then I give him a treat."

Scene of new movie "Unemployable."

Tyrone had its day in the spotlight and now it looks lit's time for Bellwood's closeup.

Location scouts for the feature film, Unemployable, visited the town that they say is sandwiched between Altoona, Tyrone, and Hades. The action movie, starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,  is about a sheriff who must kick the ass of every able-bodied unemployed adult male into filling out an employment application.

Brock Merker, casting director, said that the town has all the prerequisites for the movie.

"Lots of cheap labor," said Merker. "And unemployed people. The film is really about them."

Merker said the film will employ hundreds of extras for the film.

Unfortunately, Merker only had three people attend a recent casting call.

"Two ate the complimentary donuts and left," said Merker. "Another thought it was the unemployment office."

Norton Jessup, a Bellwood resident, said he didn't attend the casting call because it may interfere with his current loafing and "thinkin' about things" schedule. Jessup said he's been thinking about doing several things and didn't want to be distracted by the bright lights of Hollywood, or even Hollidaysburg, for that matter.

"I been thinkin' about gettin' another job," said Jessup. "And I been thinkin' about not gettin' a job. Honestly, it's enough for one man to think about a lot of times."

Jessup said a movie part would interest him since the subject matter comes so close to his "core values." He was an unemployed pizza delivery driver before he became an unemployed department store customer liaison, or greeter.

"As a greeter I often told people to have a nice day," said Jessup. "And I didn't necessarily want them to have a nice day. So, there was a little acting involved there."

Merker said that if he couldn't get any extras in Bellwood, he may be forced to go outside of town for talent.

"I never had to get extras for extras," said Merker. "But there's a first for everything."

Pittsburgh Steelers place kicker and keg kicker Jeff Reed was the first to sign the Sheetz petition to allow the convenience store chain to sell beer.

"It's a democrantastic style of government, brother," a drunken Reed mumbled. "Party! Hey. You hear Soupy Sales died? That's a mother..."

Reed had been passed out on the step of an Ebensburg Sheetz when the petition was, coincidentally, first passed out as well. According to employees, it wasn't the first time the hair-challenged Super Bowl champ frequented one of Sheetz'z'z 350 locations.

Last year, he ripped off a towel dispenser from a wall at a New Alexandria Sheetz.

"In Jeff's defense, the towel dispenser was a lot more sober than he was," said Don Pullmeyer, a former Sheetz employee. "So it was a pretty fair fight." In the end, Reed did pull the towel dispenser down, but not after it ran one of his kicks back for a 99 yard touchdown, the longest touchdown in towel dispenser history.

"The Government! Michael Vick!" said Reed. "I like hot chicks who aren't afraid to salsa. You know what I mean."

 Sheetz said they are in negotiation with Reed's agent to sign him as the spokesperson for the petition-signing campaign.

"Champagne!" Reed said. "I don't drink that shit!"

Reed's agent, the condom-dispensing machine, could not be reached for comment.

"Sheetz'z" Reed concluded. "Did I just swear?"

As the temperatures climb into the 60s, central Pennsylvania's last sign of warm weather falls away like a brown leaf clinging to the deciduous tree.

Communities throughout the area will host the final Parade of Unwed Welfare Mothers this week. A tradition of the warmer months, mothers-on-assistance parade their baby carriages throughout the downtown and inner city areas that are crumbling under the weight of an unproductive, uncooperative populace.

Lurlene Waddle, of Tyrone, said she has been parading her three children up and down the streets for the past six months. But it's not just about fresh air and exercise.

"It's, like, a sign that I breed," said Waddle. "That I'm available."

Lurlene decorates her carriage with beer bottle caps and empty cigarette cartons. Last week, Lurlene was accidentally awarded the "funniest" costume at the Tyrone Halloween Parade.

Candi Deetero, a welfare mother from Altoona, said that the parade is a chance to network with other mothers.

"I learn so much from my sisters out here," said Deetero. "Like, initially, I wasn't comfortable that my body image contrasted with the physicality of a halter top and short-shorts. But these girls taught me how to be okay with it."

The parades are a nightly event during warm Summer evenings, but slow down in cooler weather when drinking is done mostly indoors. 

Duke Chitten, an unemployed Altoona male who leeches off women who have free housing, waves a small American flag as several mothers pass by.

"It's just a great American tradition," said Chitten. "I love this country and its permissive attitudes."

Chitten said he is filled with pride watching the parade. He continues to be a deadbeat dad to many of the women marching today.

"I just support them," said Chitten. "Not financially, of course."

"You want a boyfriend?" he yells at one float.