Lincoln's holiday czars stick it to Americans seeking three-day weekend. 

During the Civil War, as the death count piled higher and higher and the country lay in ruins, not to mention that even the ruins lay in ruins, President Abraham Lincoln decided it was time to celebrate.

And offer thanks to God, or whatever form of higher power the people chose to believe in--as long as it was God.

The day of Thanksgiving would, inexplicably, be held on a Thursday. The move to have the holiday on a Thursday has troubled historians and binge drinkers alike.

But, here, for the first time, is the exact transcript from the National Archives of the cabinet meeting when Lincoln and his team of rivals decided to throw a party on Thursday.

Abraham Lincoln: Hey everyone. Check it. New hat.

William H. Seward, Secretary of State: Nice. I was going to ask if that was new.

Salmon P. Chase, Secretary of Treasury: (whistles) How much did that set you back? But you got bird poop on the top already, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Dang! Anyway. I was thinking. With all the death and destruction of the Civil War and freeing the slaves bit... yada yada yada... I think we need to get the people's minds off all these troubles and get them to count their blessings. I mean, have you seen my poll numbers? It's like I backed the government health care option or something. Sorry for being the Great Emancipator, people.

Chase: Not a bad idea. Maybe tie it in to some random American history event. Sorta an educational lesson. You know, if we added pilgrims and Indians into the mix, it would make some wonderful arts and crafts projects. Hey. Put your hands up like this. Doesn't that look like a turkey?

Edwin M. Stanton, Secretary of War: I'm booked solid in October. But November is wide open.

Lincoln: Check your calendars everyone: I got nothing the last Thursday in November, though.

Stanton: Thursday? That's a horrible day. How 'bout Monday or Friday. The people really like a three-day weekend. Lets them get their drink on and recover from their hangover.

Andrew Johnson, Vice President: Even a Wednesday. We could call it, Hump Day, or something. Maybe talk a little about Gettysburg. We really pulled that one out in the last minute. 

Lincoln: Can't do it. Friday is date night. And I usually write addresses to small Pennsylvania towns on Monday.

Chase: And won't people just be smart enough to blow off Friday and turn it into a four-day? C'mon people. Think outside the box. 

Lincoln: That's the way I'd play it, too, Sammy. Plus, we could have some football games on Thursday.

Stanton: I don't know. That short week will play havoc on Detroit. Like they need any more problems. Holy crap! Make sure you set your fantasy football team for the week!

Chase: I have the Eagle's D. Does that make sense?

Johnson: Like I can advise anyone. I picked up Kurt Warner.

Lincoln: Ouch. OK. Last Thursday in November it is. Now we have to give it a name that really pops.

Chase: How About "We Kicked Confederate Ass Day."

(Laughter)

Lincoln: Ha ha ha. I'm totally Tweeting that.

Terrorists reportedly thrilled to take customized "Sex and The Jihadi" tour.

Attorney General Eric Holder-n-Releaser is training a crack group of New York City tour guides to handle the rush of Gitmo prisoners.

"We really want to show them the town, as they say," Holder said. "We want them to go back to their home countries, after they've been freed on technicalities, and say that New York City, and America, are really amazing places to attempt to destroy with improvised weapons systems."

Holder said that the evening will start off with a limo ride through the city's majestic theater district.Then the group will take in a show.

Four-star tour guide Mandy Prejean has received orders to take Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and several henchman on a Broadway excursion.

"We have to be very careful of religious sensibilities, so we're going to ask the whole cast of Wicked to perform in burkas," said Prejean. "At least the females. And some of the uglier men."

Prejean has already been in contact with Sheikh Mohhamed and a few other Gitmo inmates. Prejean referred to them as "stoked" about the upcoming visit to the big city.

"They're very interested in seeing some of New York City's amazing works of engineering," said Prejean. "Or, as they like to call them, 'vulnerable infrastructure targets.'"

The tour will stop off at several major bridges and tunnels due to this request.

Prejean will pass the band of Islamic fighters off to Karry Wilsome, who leads the "Sex and the Jihadi" tour that will visit famous backdrops for the show, "Sex and the City."

Derrick "Dublin Mac" McGurtney, who runs a Hansom Cab service in the city, said he's been contracted out for a romantic carriage ride through the city.

"From what I'm told, we're taking them past Battery Park and near the site of the former World Trade Center," said McGurtney. "They say it gets them all turned on. Hey, to each his own, right?"

President has bow movement in front of Japanese Emperor

President Barack Obama may not be getting many more invitations from foreign governments after an embarrassing display of submissiveness in front of the Japanese emperor and a delegation of Chinese technocrats.

Members of the Obama team say he's afflicted with a severe case of submissive urination that causes him to leak when he feels nervous or is in the presence of Alpha males... and alpha females. And, occasionally, beta males, females, and children.

He once peed through a meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, an unnamed Obama official said.

The official also said Obama repeatedly urinated in Tokyo's Imperial Palace before meeting the Japanese emperor.

 "It was everywhere," said Matsui Doshi, a custodian at the palace. "Sprinkle here. Sprinkle there."

 Doshi shakes his head, "Not bad enough you rain fire and atomic destruction down on our cities, now you pee all through palaces and places of government."

"I wish Clinton back," the custodian concluded. "He just bang interns in Imperial water closet."

The submissive urination problem grew worse during the President's visit to China.

A group of Chinese students looked on in horror as the President scampered around the room, bowed to everyone, and left several small pools on the floor of the People's Polytechnic Institute.

"We expect to dominate the 21st century," said engineering student Hu Wang-wei. "But, we wanted some type of many challenges. And his jokes not even funny."

White House sources said that help will be called. Burke Barkes, the so-called "President Whisperer," will be brought in to work with Obama.

"I will basically soothe him and whisper, 'You're the damn president of the United States for the love of God, wake up and show them you have a pair,'" Barkes said. "Then I give him a treat."

Scene of new movie "Unemployable."

Tyrone had its day in the spotlight and now it looks lit's time for Bellwood's closeup.

Location scouts for the feature film, Unemployable, visited the town that they say is sandwiched between Altoona, Tyrone, and Hades. The action movie, starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,  is about a sheriff who must kick the ass of every able-bodied unemployed adult male into filling out an employment application.

Brock Merker, casting director, said that the town has all the prerequisites for the movie.

"Lots of cheap labor," said Merker. "And unemployed people. The film is really about them."

Merker said the film will employ hundreds of extras for the film.

Unfortunately, Merker only had three people attend a recent casting call.

"Two ate the complimentary donuts and left," said Merker. "Another thought it was the unemployment office."

Norton Jessup, a Bellwood resident, said he didn't attend the casting call because it may interfere with his current loafing and "thinkin' about things" schedule. Jessup said he's been thinking about doing several things and didn't want to be distracted by the bright lights of Hollywood, or even Hollidaysburg, for that matter.

"I been thinkin' about gettin' another job," said Jessup. "And I been thinkin' about not gettin' a job. Honestly, it's enough for one man to think about a lot of times."

Jessup said a movie part would interest him since the subject matter comes so close to his "core values." He was an unemployed pizza delivery driver before he became an unemployed department store customer liaison, or greeter.

"As a greeter I often told people to have a nice day," said Jessup. "And I didn't necessarily want them to have a nice day. So, there was a little acting involved there."

Merker said that if he couldn't get any extras in Bellwood, he may be forced to go outside of town for talent.

"I never had to get extras for extras," said Merker. "But there's a first for everything."