Claiming a huge victory for swine rights, President Barack Obama passed sweeping legislation that will make all pigs equal, although some pigs are more equal than others.

Jorge Orwelli, Obama's porcine rights czar, said the bill means that pigs who are more closely associated with the administration will get better equal rights.

"Of course, all pigs are equal,' said Orwelli. "But the pigs who are out allies are much more equal."

Obama agreed with his czar.

"We'd all like to think that pigs are equal, let me be clear on this," said Obama. "But in reality, we just have pigs that deserve better equality. You wouldn't say that a piggy bank is equal to the piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home, would you?"

Above equal pigs will be granted certain rights and privileges that the their equal comrade pigs will not have access to. For instance, pigs associated with Big Labor won't be forced to share the sacrifice in creating a national veterinarian care that is being proposed by the Obama administration. Pigs in Nebraska are given certain concessions that unequal pigs can not attain, as well.

Creating a society of more equal pigs who don't have to sacrifice equally should benefit portions of the nation, Obama added.

"But, let me be clear, though," Obama said. "The more equal pigs are actually equal to other pigs; in fact, more so."

American tall tale legend Paul Bunyan finally came clean about his steroid use, adding that much of his legend was built on large quantities of human growth hormones.

Last year, Bunyan refused to testify at a Congressional hearing about steroid use among tall tale legends. The panel included Mike Fink, Casey Jones, Uncle Sam, Daniel Boone, and Ziggy Stardust. All admitted to using some type of pharmaceutical aid to engage in their exploits, although it was actually off-the-counter psychotropics for Stardust.

"He was so obviously juiced up," said Fink, the legendary keel-man of the Old West. "It was an open secret among us legends."

Stardust was disappointed, also, sorta.

"But to have moonbeams in ratio to the beats of your heart, you know," said Stardust. "He had a vociferous soul, is all I'm saying. Man, I am so stoned."

Many of Bunyan's amazing feats--digging the Grand Canyon and creating Mount Hood--appear to be accomplished with the aid of steroids.

Boone hopes Bunyan can get on with his life.

"Now, how 'bout that 'rastlin' match, Frenchy!" Boone called out to the departing Bunyan. "Not so big anymore, are ye?"

In another stunning revelation, Bunyan said his blue ox was genetically modified.

A devastating earthquake, which registered 7 on the Richter scale and 10 on the Holy Shit scale, has leveled much of the island nation of Haiti. Sections of the country have been hit so badly hit, it's been labeled "downtown Tyrone."

Port Au Prince Emergency Technician Henri Debellow said his city now resembles areas of the small Pennsylvania town.

"We have one section that looks like the Carriage House," said DeBelieu. "Others draw a comparison to Pennsylvania Avenue, completely wiped out and depressing."

DeBelieu has never been to Tyrone.

"No, I haven't been able to arrange security," said DeBelieu, "But I have been trained in disasters and the Tyrone scenario is often brought up."

A group of Tyrone citizens are preparing to travel to Haiti to help loot. Joe Don Betzer, a semi-professional tobacco shop burglar, said he believes he could help the people of Haiti loot more effectively.

"Helping people loot is just part of my personal mission statement, my personal DNA," Betzer said. "When there was trouble in New Orleans, I went. Picked up a big screen television."

 Betzer later traded the big screen television and his 5-year-old son for a pack of smokes.

In a recent television appearance, the Reverend Pat Robertson drew comparisons between Haiti and Tyrone.

"They both are disasters. Their people serve the devil," said Robertson. "But, honestly, the weather is much nicer in Haiti."

Reid, Obama said, talks like a honkey.

"Not only does he talk like a honkey," said Obama. "He talks like a jive-talkin' honkey. Although, that may be a bit redundant 'cause all honkeys are jive talkers."

Reid said that Obama didn't talk like a "negro." Unless he wanted to.

Obama said that Reid had to talk honkey.

"He can't not talk honkey," the president said. "He even out-honkey talks native-born honkeys."

 Obama added that sometimes Reid sounded, "kinda gay."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," concluded Obama.

Reid also made comments about the shade of Obama's skin.

"Yeah, well, Reid is too white," said Obama. "He's almost transparent. Look at how he ran these health care debates. You could see right through him."