A devastating earthquake, which registered 7 on the Richter scale and 10 on the Holy Shit scale, has leveled much of the island nation of Haiti. Sections of the country have been hit so badly hit, it's been labeled "downtown Tyrone."

Port Au Prince Emergency Technician Henri Debellow said his city now resembles areas of the small Pennsylvania town.

"We have one section that looks like the Carriage House," said DeBelieu. "Others draw a comparison to Pennsylvania Avenue, completely wiped out and depressing."

DeBelieu has never been to Tyrone.

"No, I haven't been able to arrange security," said DeBelieu, "But I have been trained in disasters and the Tyrone scenario is often brought up."

A group of Tyrone citizens are preparing to travel to Haiti to help loot. Joe Don Betzer, a semi-professional tobacco shop burglar, said he believes he could help the people of Haiti loot more effectively.

"Helping people loot is just part of my personal mission statement, my personal DNA," Betzer said. "When there was trouble in New Orleans, I went. Picked up a big screen television."

 Betzer later traded the big screen television and his 5-year-old son for a pack of smokes.

In a recent television appearance, the Reverend Pat Robertson drew comparisons between Haiti and Tyrone.

"They both are disasters. Their people serve the devil," said Robertson. "But, honestly, the weather is much nicer in Haiti."

Reid, Obama said, talks like a honkey.

"Not only does he talk like a honkey," said Obama. "He talks like a jive-talkin' honkey. Although, that may be a bit redundant 'cause all honkeys are jive talkers."

Reid said that Obama didn't talk like a "negro." Unless he wanted to.

Obama said that Reid had to talk honkey.

"He can't not talk honkey," the president said. "He even out-honkey talks native-born honkeys."

 Obama added that sometimes Reid sounded, "kinda gay."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," concluded Obama.

Reid also made comments about the shade of Obama's skin.

"Yeah, well, Reid is too white," said Obama. "He's almost transparent. Look at how he ran these health care debates. You could see right through him."

Governor Ed Rendell, who approaches taxes the way he assaults cheesesteak sandwiches, will reportedly expand the tax on table games to include air hockey and pool tables.

Jimmy "Extra Thumbs" Minnomano, the governor's table games liaison, said the tax is necessary to match the state government's wild spending spree.

"Here's da ting," said Minnomano. "If you want to provide for the needed government services--like, bribing state workers to help out on campaigns or large per diem checks--then you need to seek alternative revenue sources. Know what I mean?"

Air hockey and pool table owners would be forced to pay a $16 million license fee and pass on 6 percent of all income to the state.

The tax may be further expanded to cover board games like Monopoly. The play money used in those games is nearly as valuable as actual dollar bills thanks to extreme deficit spending.

"Hey. You pay real estate tax, right? So you land on Park Place. Pay up," said Minnoman. "Capiche?"

Minnomano said that allowing table games will not only provide more money for a corrupt government, it will make Pennsylvania more exciting.

"Hey. Class up da joint a little bit," said Monnomano. "A little bit."

The state's air hockey and pool players aren't happy with the tax, especially players who are currently on the state welfare roles.

Frank Walleye, a local pool shark and Welfare activist, said taxing him makes it harder for him to spend taxpayer money.

"It's a little like robbing Peter to rob Paul to rob some other guy," said Walleye. "Eight ball. Corner pocket."

Add the millions of productive disabled workers to the list of gripes that the millions of unproductive, able-bodied Welfare recipients have against society.

"It's not fair," said Billy Montaine, an Altoona welfare recipient, as he watches a paraplegic worker Don McCain program a computer by blowing into a tube. "What a show off."

Montaine, who's a third-generation welfare beneficiary, said that McCain and people like him cause uncomfortable feelings, which may be pangs of guilt.

"I can't be weighed down by a conscience," said Montaine. "I got beers to drink and ladies to romance. They're impinging on my wants and needs and it's not fair!"

McCain said he feels bad about Montaine's situation, but feels that in addition to earning money, he's contributing to society.

"Contributing?" questioned Montaine. "If everyone was contributing, there'd be no one left to take. And then what would happen to fat cat bureaucrats. Their families have to eat, too!"

Chantell Dertell, of Du Bois, shakes her head as Carlton Farber, a little person, clocks in for his job at a tool and die factory.

"My mama brought me up right," said Dertell. "She said when you got an excuse not to work, then you don't work. Here are people who have plenty of reasons to sit on their asses and watch the Tyra Show, but instead feel the need to perform labor."

Dertell threw her arms up, "It just makes me sick as sick can be. Although that may be the hangover talking."