Prince 2 Texters, Tweeters: I am coming 4 U, baby if U want me 2

Prince has a few letters for people who use his unique shorthand when they text or twitter: U R in trouble.

According 2 a team of intellectual property lawyers hired by his Purple Badness, texters who infringe on his language shortcuts and abbreviations will B sued.

Andre Frazier, who leads Prince's legal team, dubbed Prince and the Litigation, said texters are illegally using the singer's copyrighted symbols and unique spellings.

"Prince is a lyrical genius and this part of his musical heritage must be preserved," said Frazier. "This is the telephonic equivalent of Pat Boone singing Little Richard's 'Tootie Frutie,' right?"

Prince, who at one time went by an unpronounceable symbol instead of a name, used text abbreviations in songs such as "I Would Die 4 U," "Take Me With U" and "U Got The Look." His liner notes were full of numbers and letters used to symbolize complete words, as well.

Frazier said Prince is particularly upset at "sexting," which is the use of abbreviations and naughty language delivered through text messaging.

"It's double thievery," said Frazier. "First, it steals his unique iconography and it steals Prince's unique sexiness. No one was sexy before Prince, so how can they be sexting without violating my client's intellectual and sexual property rights? I implore you!"

Prince could turn his legal and sexy powers toward Twitter, which recently received another $100 million infusion from investors on a valuation of $1 billion.

"A billion dollars!" said Frazier. "After we're done with them they're be called, 'The company formerly known as solvent.'" 

Geoff Mandrell, world champion texter, said he has already been alerted by the legal team.

"wtf. he cant do this 2 me? lol" Mandrell said in a text message interview. "im f-n twitter this."

According to Frazier, "WTF" is the original title of Prince's "Darling Nicky."

Obama finishes up book on how Lincoln read reports on strategy before opening reports on strategy.

The Obama administration is grappling over how they will open a report on Afghanistan strategy that was prepared by General Stanley McChrystal.

"Holy crap, we didn't even know there was a war in Afghanistan," said President Barack Obama. "Didn't they get the whole hope and change message?"

"They don't get Letterman?" added the President. "I was on Letterman!"

According to General McChrystal, they did not. McChrystal sent an urgent report on a new strategy in Afghanistan to the White House for review. Obama has yet to review it.

Obama's Czar of Report Opening, Jerome Wigget, said the administration won't enter headlong into any report opening without careful consideration.The Obama administration had frequently criticized the Bush administration for its direct approach to opening reports.

"Bush demonstrated such hubris when he opened a report without the full support of the world government bodies," said Wigget. "No wonder we lost global prestige."

The office is devising several strategies for how Obama could open the report, which could tell Obama why casualties are on the uptick in Afghanistan.

"He could saunter casually over to the table and see it and then go, 'Oh, look an important report on the future of our military service members,' like that," said Wigget. "That tested well among college students and suburban house wives."

Wigget said they're focus grouping some other approaches to the report opening strategy.

"One is, we run in and say, 'Mr. President, and urgent missive,'" said Wigget. "That's really Hollywood. Really 'Armageddon,' if you're familiar with that classic."

Wigget said they will issue a report on the report opening for the President in the next few weeks.

"We aren't sure if the charts look nice," Wigget said. "We want to make it pretty, but official-looking, like all the reports you see in movies."

 Racism is not dead, according to the majority of white people in a recent poll.

The Plue Research Center, of Toledo, OH, announced that 75 percent of white people (plus or minus two NASCAR fans) believe that "more than 70 percent" of white people are "really" racist. The poll further revealed that the white people who aren't racist believe that 29 percent who aren't "really" racist are a "tad bit" racist.

A total of 95 percent of white males believe that all white males, except the white male taking the poll, are racist.

Devin Shields, who isn't a racist, agrees with the findings.

"Hey. Don't get me wrong. Some of my  best friends are racist," said Shields. "But white people are racist."

Shields said he can prove he isn't a racist because he watched the Cosby Show, likes rap, and always offers a disclaimer any time he says anything that might be construed as a negative comment against a black person.

"Sometimes, you know, I'll say something like, 'That OJ Simpson did it,'" said Sheilds. "But before I say it, I always say, 'I'm not racist or anything,' just to, you know, clear the air."

Kate Hoggshead, who is not racist, said that people who disagree with her on political and governmental issues tend to be the most racist.

"When people say they don't like taxes, what they're really saying is 'I hate black people,'" said Hoggshead. "And racists overwhelmingly are against government-run health care, even the black dudes who are against it, too."

Hollywood stars say they're ready to give up car, clothes for Clap and Trade tax.

Gillie Sanderson hasn't had a paying acting job since a dog food commercial in 1998. And she walked off the set of that job after continual artistic differences with the director.

Now, thanks to a new initiative by the Obama administration and the administration's celebrity backers, a global war on artist hunger may make artistic dilemmas like Sanderson's a thing of the horrid free market past.

The legislation, called the Claps and Trade bill, will tax Hollywood productions and celebrities at the 97 percentile rate and distribute the monies to poor, working actors, actresses, artists, musicians, and stand-up comedians, but definitely not mimes.

"It's about time these Hollywood big shots put their money where their mascara is," said Sanderson, who plans on using her share of the loot to do a one-woman show about the life of Kelly Ripa. 

President Barack Obama said he favors, "spreading the wealth. And lavish, hometown musicals."

"This is a perfect opportunity to do both," said Obama during a break in interviews.

One-time funny man Will Ferrell said he favors the bill, especially since if he has one more Land of the Lost, he'll join the ranks of the unworking artists anyway.

"The budget for Land of the Lost could have paid for the cast of Cats to perform in every medium-market arena in the United States," said Ferrell. "In India, the money could have turned the whole country into the set of the Sound of Music."

The members of U2 have agreed to cap their album sales at 200,000 copies and donate the other sales to poor bar bands in the Northeast, including three Kiss tribute bands in Pennsylvania. Sheryl Crow, who has campaigned vigorously for school music programs, will have almost all of her royalties sent to provide limousines and gift baskets for elementary music teachers.

"I think I speak for working artists everywhere when I say we'd gladly forgo the large salaries, perks, royalties, freebees, free clothes, and comps to help out struggling artists," said Crow. "It's all about the applause anyways."