Neffer was replaced as captain of his basketball team after failing to negotiate a foul called by the referees. The argument led to a disqualification.

"I was terrible," Neffer said. "It was like I was the President in front of the International Olympic Committee."

Letterman laughed slightly, but the audience didn't receive the joke as well.

Tapes reveal a collective, "Awwww," coming from the crowd and one audience member said, "He can't help it. He's special."

Neffer tried to backpedal from the comment this morning.

"It was a poor choice of words," said Neffer. "Do you like race cars?"

When pressed, Neffer said the joke was meant to imply that he wasn't skilled at negotiating and not that the President was handicapped in negotiation skills. He was also sorry to bring the President into the conversation, especially after Chicago was rejected as site of the next Olympics, unless it was some sort of graft and bribery Olympics.

"I didn't mean to imply that it was all Obama's fault, or that he screwed up negotiations with Tehran and Moscow, either," said Neffer. "Look! Airplane!"

Obama's spokesperson  Robert Maurice Gibbs said the President is upset.

"His feelings are hurt and he just doesn't seem to understand why people are mean to him," said Gibbs. "People just have to understand that our President has special needs and that he shoudn't be ridiculed or criticized."

"He's a very, very special little guy," Gibbs said.

Prince 2 Texters, Tweeters: I am coming 4 U, baby if U want me 2

Prince has a few letters for people who use his unique shorthand when they text or twitter: U R in trouble.

According 2 a team of intellectual property lawyers hired by his Purple Badness, texters who infringe on his language shortcuts and abbreviations will B sued.

Andre Frazier, who leads Prince's legal team, dubbed Prince and the Litigation, said texters are illegally using the singer's copyrighted symbols and unique spellings.

"Prince is a lyrical genius and this part of his musical heritage must be preserved," said Frazier. "This is the telephonic equivalent of Pat Boone singing Little Richard's 'Tootie Frutie,' right?"

Prince, who at one time went by an unpronounceable symbol instead of a name, used text abbreviations in songs such as "I Would Die 4 U," "Take Me With U" and "U Got The Look." His liner notes were full of numbers and letters used to symbolize complete words, as well.

Frazier said Prince is particularly upset at "sexting," which is the use of abbreviations and naughty language delivered through text messaging.

"It's double thievery," said Frazier. "First, it steals his unique iconography and it steals Prince's unique sexiness. No one was sexy before Prince, so how can they be sexting without violating my client's intellectual and sexual property rights? I implore you!"

Prince could turn his legal and sexy powers toward Twitter, which recently received another $100 million infusion from investors on a valuation of $1 billion.

"A billion dollars!" said Frazier. "After we're done with them they're be called, 'The company formerly known as solvent.'" 

Geoff Mandrell, world champion texter, said he has already been alerted by the legal team.

"wtf. he cant do this 2 me? lol" Mandrell said in a text message interview. "im f-n twitter this."

According to Frazier, "WTF" is the original title of Prince's "Darling Nicky."

Obama finishes up book on how Lincoln read reports on strategy before opening reports on strategy.

The Obama administration is grappling over how they will open a report on Afghanistan strategy that was prepared by General Stanley McChrystal.

"Holy crap, we didn't even know there was a war in Afghanistan," said President Barack Obama. "Didn't they get the whole hope and change message?"

"They don't get Letterman?" added the President. "I was on Letterman!"

According to General McChrystal, they did not. McChrystal sent an urgent report on a new strategy in Afghanistan to the White House for review. Obama has yet to review it.

Obama's Czar of Report Opening, Jerome Wigget, said the administration won't enter headlong into any report opening without careful consideration.The Obama administration had frequently criticized the Bush administration for its direct approach to opening reports.

"Bush demonstrated such hubris when he opened a report without the full support of the world government bodies," said Wigget. "No wonder we lost global prestige."

The office is devising several strategies for how Obama could open the report, which could tell Obama why casualties are on the uptick in Afghanistan.

"He could saunter casually over to the table and see it and then go, 'Oh, look an important report on the future of our military service members,' like that," said Wigget. "That tested well among college students and suburban house wives."

Wigget said they're focus grouping some other approaches to the report opening strategy.

"One is, we run in and say, 'Mr. President, and urgent missive,'" said Wigget. "That's really Hollywood. Really 'Armageddon,' if you're familiar with that classic."

Wigget said they will issue a report on the report opening for the President in the next few weeks.

"We aren't sure if the charts look nice," Wigget said. "We want to make it pretty, but official-looking, like all the reports you see in movies."

 Racism is not dead, according to the majority of white people in a recent poll.

The Plue Research Center, of Toledo, OH, announced that 75 percent of white people (plus or minus two NASCAR fans) believe that "more than 70 percent" of white people are "really" racist. The poll further revealed that the white people who aren't racist believe that 29 percent who aren't "really" racist are a "tad bit" racist.

A total of 95 percent of white males believe that all white males, except the white male taking the poll, are racist.

Devin Shields, who isn't a racist, agrees with the findings.

"Hey. Don't get me wrong. Some of my  best friends are racist," said Shields. "But white people are racist."

Shields said he can prove he isn't a racist because he watched the Cosby Show, likes rap, and always offers a disclaimer any time he says anything that might be construed as a negative comment against a black person.

"Sometimes, you know, I'll say something like, 'That OJ Simpson did it,'" said Sheilds. "But before I say it, I always say, 'I'm not racist or anything,' just to, you know, clear the air."

Kate Hoggshead, who is not racist, said that people who disagree with her on political and governmental issues tend to be the most racist.

"When people say they don't like taxes, what they're really saying is 'I hate black people,'" said Hoggshead. "And racists overwhelmingly are against government-run health care, even the black dudes who are against it, too."