Conan To Attend High School Football Event

Conan, friends take in two of autumn's great traditions: high school football, blood feud.

According to Conan, the Barbarian, there are three things: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

Conan, a proud parent of Tyrone sophomore linebacker, Subotai, will attend another backyard brawl between Tyrone and Bellwood high schools. The event is known as one of the fiercest rivalries that typically features high energy and drama. It also brings out the best in fans.

According to Conan he plans to arrive early to get a good seat and says a few prayers before the game begins.

"Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge!" Conan said. "And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"

Weather conditions should be good for the event, but this matters little to fans, like Conan, who will attend no matter what the forecast.

As kickoff nears, the barbarian grows more somber, "Purging is at last at hand. Day of Doom is here. All that is evil, all their allies; your parents, your leaders, those who would call themselves your judges; those who have lied and corrupted the Earth, they shall all be cleansed... We are! Tyrone!"

Tyrone has won the last six contests, but Conan can remember a darker time for Tyrone football.

"Almost 20 years of pitiless cumber! No rest, no sleep like other men," Conan said. "And yet the autumn wind blows. Have you ever felt such a wind?"

"No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died," Conan said. "All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important!"

Conan also likes the traditional sauerkraut hot dog during half-time, but the lines are murder.

"Give me food, so I have strength when the wolves come. Let me die, not in hunger, but in combat!"