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Here we go Beerlers. Here ee go! Pittsburgh Steelers place kicker and keg kicker Jeff Reed was the first to sign the Sheetz petition to allow the convenience store chain to sell beer. "It's a democrantastic style of government, brother," a drunken Reed mumbled. "Party! Hey. You hear Soupy Sales died? That's a mother..." Reed had been passed out on the step of an Ebensburg Sheetz when the petition was, coincidentally, first passed out as well. According to employees, it wasn't the first time the hair-challenged Super Bowl champ frequented one of Sheetz'z'z 350 locations. Last year, he ripped off a towel dispenser from a wall at a New Alexandria Sheetz. "In Jeff's defense, the towel dispenser was a lot more sober than he was," said Don Pullmeyer, a former Sheetz employee. "So it was a pretty fair fight." In the end, Reed did pull the towel dispenser down, but not after it ran one of his kicks back for a 99 yard touchdown, the longest touchdown in towel dispenser history. "The Government! Michael Vick!" said Reed. "I like hot chicks who aren't afraid to salsa. You know what I mean." Sheetz said they are in negotiation with Reed's agent to sign him as the spokesperson for the petition-signing campaign. "Champagne!" Reed said. "I don't drink that shit!" Reed's agent, the condom-dispensing machine, could not be reached for comment. "Sheetz'z" Reed concluded. "Did I just swear?"
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