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Paul Bunyan admits to using steroids for taller tales, more facial hair.
American tall tale legend Paul Bunyan finally came clean about his steroid use, adding that much of his legend was built on large quantities of human growth hormones. Last year, Bunyan refused to testify at a Congressional hearing about steroid use among tall tale legends. The panel included Mike Fink, Casey Jones, Uncle Sam, Daniel Boone, and Ziggy Stardust. All admitted to using some type of pharmaceutical aid to engage in their exploits, although it was actually off-the-counter psychotropics for Stardust. "He was so obviously juiced up," said Fink, the legendary keel-man of the Old West. "It was an open secret among us legends." Stardust was disappointed, also, sorta. "But to have moonbeams in ratio to the beats of your heart, you know," said Stardust. "He had a vociferous soul, is all I'm saying. Man, I am so stoned." Many of Bunyan's amazing feats--digging the Grand Canyon and creating Mount Hood--appear to be accomplished with the aid of steroids. Boone hopes Bunyan can get on with his life. "Now, how 'bout that 'rastlin' match, Frenchy!" Boone called out to the departing Bunyan. "Not so big anymore, are ye?" In another stunning revelation, Bunyan said his blue ox was genetically modified.
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