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Anti-Tax Keggers: Give me libations or give me death. Pennsylvania drunks are as mad as hell... and sports aren't even on the big screen! Angered by increases in taxes on beer, booze and smokes, a group of town drunks, raging alcoholics and inconsolable boozers are organizing keg parties throughout the Keystone state. "In the Constitution of Independence, it clearly states that we have the right to party," said Jeff Loders, a regular barfly and limerick writer. "That's law, dog, law!" Loders and several drunks from the Tyrone, Pa. area are credited with forming the first anti-tax keg parties. The first one, held on the night before tax day, generated substantial interest. And a substantial number of DUIs. "Which is just another form of taxation," pointed out Loders. "Serve and collect. What I say? What I say?" John DelRoy, a Bellwood drunk and bar restroom whistler, said he is willing to push the anti-alcohol tax movement "by any means necessary." "I will fight in the halls of Congress. I will fight in the streets." said DelRoy. "Just last week I fought over who was the sexiest Golden Girl. It is a fight I would take on again. Blanche, my ass." DelRoy said the taxes are aimed at minorities, too, adding his heritage is much like current President Barack Obama. "The president has made a powerful statement about the multiracial fabric being beyond the half-black and half-white stereotypes," said DelRoy. "But when has he stood up for us half-drunks? Never." Mitzi Flayenhoofer, a perpetual binge drinker, who confuses sex with love and love with a meatball sandwich, said that there are several ways that an increase in the consumption of alcohol tax will harm people and businesses, many of them overlooked. "I am not an attractive or well-groomed woman. I rely on men to imbibe copious, near fatal quantities of alcohol in order for them to sleep with me," said Flayenhoofer. "People don't see the hidden victims of high taxes."
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