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New interrogation tool: 12-inch board, hold the water "Give 'em your stern face," said Maldene Mappethorpe, third grade teacher at St. Abernathy's Elementary in McKeesport, as she spit, "Like you got a pair!" A vein in her forehead pops out and her lips purse. Kurt Hooston, a 20-year interrogation expert for the Central Intelligence Agency's interrogation unit, struggles to form a mirror image of Mapplethorpe's prune-like expression. "You disappoint me, Kurty," Mapplethorpe said, disapprovingly. "Very, very disappointed." She walks away and Hooston begins to pout. Then he breaks down in sobs. Hooston is on the receiving end this time of the Obama Administration's new tactics to fight the war against terrorists, which is now named the Effort Against Culturally-Influenced Misbehavior. According to Mapplethorpe, the CIA agents must master passive aggressive techniques to receive pertinent information about possible future terrorist attacks. "Show disappointment, one," she instructed. "Isolate, two. Encourage self-reflection, three." Mapplethorpe has used these techniques to run a successful class room. Over the years, she has been able to pinpoint who let the class gerbil out of the cage and headed off a fight between Billy Perkins and Duane Franklin over who was a better band: the Backstreet Boys or INSYNC. "They're actually in a semi-monogamous relationship now," said Mapplethorpe with a hint of a smile, cracking her polar icecap expression. Hooston is a believer. "Man, she really had me right where she wanted me," Hooston said. "I wanted to tell her that I took two cookies at the convenience store this morning and told the checkout girl I only took one." Hooston said Mapplethorpe's techniques are like waterboarding, but with a lot less set-up and clean-up time. In other headlines... Shelter owner sold cat food for drugs. And cat litter for alcohol? Bedford, Clearfield counties will get help to make sure it's inbreeding, not something in the water. Boycott Sheetz. Steeler hatahs.
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