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President thinks these Bedouins with "super-friendly smiles" may be up to no good, maybe even terrorism, if there was such a thing. President Barack Obama said that he has uncovered a group at work in the world whose mission is to kill Americans and destroy American interests. "The name of this group," Obama pronounced solemnly. "Is Al-something. Al-Kinda. A-O-Kaida. Something like that." The revelation came to light following an attempted bombing of an American airliner on Christmas Day. Prior to this, Obama was sure that attacks like these were caused by the Bush administration, Dick Cheney-trained guerrillas, the Jews, rogue Navy Seals, opponents of a college bowl system, or a combination thereof. "Let's be clear on this, it appears that there may be... just may be... a group of people who want to attack Americans," said Obama. "They seem to want to terrorize us. It's hard to put a name on these actions though. A little help, teleprompter guy." The president was careful not to name a religion as the ideological impetus for the group's existence. "We have no signs that any religious instruction is behind the existence of this new organization," said Obama. He then coughed, "Islam. Islam. Sorry, I have something in my throat." Obama cautioned, however, the group can't be termed a terrorist organization just yet because that may mean there is a war on terror. "There has never been a war on terror," said Obama. "Let's be clear on that." The group may be motivated by its hatred of following a "q" with a "u," the president theorized. Statements from Homeland Security chiefette Janet Notgonnaworkhereanymore appeared to contradict Obama's assessment of a new group engaged in some kind of, like, terror. "It was an accident, the guy's balls caught fire. Like that's a crime?" said the Notgonnaworkhereanymore. "Everything's fine. It really worked out. Hey. What me worry? Right?" The President added that administration officials are extracting information from the bombing suspect as we speak. "He will not be allowed cookies and milk at the same time," said Obama. "He muist either eat a cookie and then drink the milk, or he must drink the milk before he eats the cookie. But it can't be simultaneous. I don't know how he's going to last through that." Obama concluded by saying he wished he watched "24" more often.
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