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Whig Out: Obama won't meddle in American revolution Citing a new era in wishy-Washington foreign policy, the Obama Administration will not choose sides during this July 4th celebration. President Barack Obama said he neither favors the English, nor the would-be Americans in the War of Independence. "He essentially sees this as a battle between colonial powers," said Obama spokesperson Roberto "Glib" Gibbs."Obviously, one is a nascent imperial power, but the difference is negligible." Normally, during July 4th celebrations, the President is expected to back the democratically-minded American side against a monarchy with speeches and press announcements, but feels this insertion into the fracas may be seen as meddling. Gibbs said the president doesn't want to the White House to be implicated in any unrest, unless it's in Honduras. Both sides were asked to tone down their rhetoric, or risk loss of an invitation to the annual diplomatic weenie roast. "Was the Boston massacre really a massacre," asked Gibbs. "What, was it like, seven people who got killed? That's like a melee." English government officials warned the Obama administration to stay out of July 4th celebrations and Guy Fawkes Day festivities. The English were prepared to release statements that were only polite, and not excessively polite, as is the diplomatic norm. "Why if he didn't, we would give him quite a good dressing down, I should suspect," said Chumsley Cheppenshire, member of the English House of Commons. "Oh, it would be quite a row." Latest poll numbers indicate mainstream America does not appreciate Obama's neutral stance on the Independence Day issue. Johnny Jay Gervin, who owns the Firearms, Fireworks, and Firewater bar and gun shop outside of Morgantown, WV, is dismayed with the stance. "It's like he sides with the Iranian government, sides against the Hondoran government, and now this," Gervin said and then paused. "Wait a minute. Is Obama left-wing, or something?"
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