Sucker Birthrates Skyrocket

The U.S. Department of Health reports that the sucker birth rates have more than doubled.

Phineus Tiberius Burnham, who heads up the department's birthrate analysis unit, said that the number of suckers born every minute is increasingly exponentially.

"Latest reports indicate that there are now two or three suckers born every minute," said Burnham. "And it shows no signs of stopping."

The northeast has seen a jump in the sucker birth rate. California's sucker birth rate stands dangerously close to overwhelming the entire population of newborns.

"We may change our reports to follow only non-sucker births in California," said Burnham. "The figures are that overwhelming."

The increase of the sucker segment of the population has had a ripple effect. More people believe that major league baseball players can knock a ball into low-earth orbit without the use of performance-enhancing drugs, for instance. Others think that stimulus bills can actually stimulate the economy.

Jean Bartleby, a leader in the suckers' rights movement and an amateur global warming theorist, said he's glad to see more baby suckers.

"I hope the stork leaves more people like us, quite frankly," said Bartleby, who wears a "Hope" t-shirt and a crystal medallion to ward off magic scorpions. "The world, that beutiful, blue flat plate that all the stars and sun revolve around, needs blind trust now more than ever."

Burnham said that the complexion of the nation is changing. By 2012, if the birthrate continues, and immigration from Europe continues unabated, the majority of the country will be suckers.

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