Would-Be Suicide Bomber Says Americans Are Harassing Him

Alak Hussein Hallam is just an average American citizen who believes he must blow up other American citizens.

He shares this belief with dozens--or perhaps hundreds--more Al Qaeda sleeper cells that are filtering into America.

Why then, Hallam, wonders is this country--that tirelessly advocates intellectual freedom--continually trying to thwart him from completing his mission?

"I go to the hardware store and ask for the ingredients to plastic explosives," said Hallan. "And immediately I'm told that I can't have it because it could be used in suicide bombing. But how do they know that? Because I am Muslim!"

Hallam said he was recently turned down by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Dangerous Toys for a permit to carry a bazooka.

"They just looked at the complexion of my skin, the dagger I clenched between my teeth, and my Al Qaeda discount card and they said no," Hallam said. "Harassment reaches to the top level of this government!"

Hallam says this incessant harassment has occurred when he attempted to buy explosives at Lowes, Home Depot, Ace Hardware, and the Dollar Tree.

"Although, I was really just after some Cheetoz at the Dollar Tree, but I thought I'd give it a try," said Hallam. "I was hungry from all the anti-Islamic venom that this country is full of."

"Sure, this vile country will provide me with all the artificial flavoring and preservatives to fulfill my wanton craving for snacks, but it will not fulfill my craving to do the will of jihad!"

Hallam's lawyer, Mickey Fortunata, said that the United States once prided itself on intellectual honesty. He added that this hypocrisy has alienated many in the Islamic world who want to blow Americans up.

"If you wanted to blow some people up and people kept stopping you, wouldn't you want to blow them up more," asked Fortunata. "No wonder people want to blow us up."