DotPenn

Mmmm. Claysburger: Video shows police taking in target practice.

The proud members of the Claysburg Police and Boals Crick Bear Dispatchers flush with victory over a killer black bear are now aiming for bigger game with bigger feet. Anonymous police officials say that the crack wildlife execution squad will take on Sasquatch.

Sasquatch, from an American Indian word meaning “Amish-smelling,” has been reported in the mountains near Claysburg. Once it was just thought to be yet another hillbilly inbreeding experiment gone awry; however, the latest reports suggest that Sasquatch is alive and on the move.

“We don’t take kindly to various drugged-out creatures comin’ into our town and stealin’ pick-a-nick baskets and leaving their big ugly paw prints around,” said town monster control officer and bebop saxophonist Roscoe John Coletrane. “That menace will be six big feet in the ground once me and the boys are done with him… or her… don’t mean to be sexist.”

Coletrane, who will lead the task force to eradicate Sasquatch, said that his team is stocking up on weapons and ammo. “We expended roughly six hundred rounds in the killing of the black bear,” Coletrane said. “It’ll probably take a good twelve hundred rounds to bag us a decent-sized Sasquatch.”

The team has hired Napolean Fitzer, author and small game guide, to lead the expedition. Fitzer said he has seen the beast on numerous occasions in the woods surrounding Claysburg and once at the Altoona Sam’s Club.

“He was gettin’ vittles from what I could see in his cart,” Fitzer said. “But you should have seen the size of that cart. It would have taken six men and a team of ox to push it!”

The mission will get underway once the team receives the okay from the Pennsylvania Fish and Game Commission. “We ain’t sure if it is Bigfeet season or monster anaconda season, to be honest,” Coletrane said. “And we’re also wary of trampling on the habitat of the gypsy moth sincein’ it’s a protected species by order of our governor.”

Coletrane expects the mission to eliminate monsters and assorted cuddly creatures to go on long after they bag a Bigfoot. “Whenever the citizenry is in danger of imaginarious creatures, buddy, we’ll be there,” Coletrane said. “You want the Loch Ness monster? My boys are prepared to drop in a few dozen half-sticks of dynamite. We’ll see if that can’t shake a plesiosaur to come up to the surface for a little dose of what for.”  

A group of citizens is opposed to the monster hunters. “Why do they gotta pick on Sasquatch,” said group spokeswoman Maria Looters. “When we got so many other problems, like illegal immigrants and people of various religious persuasions who need dispatchin’.”
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Rumor Mill opens: Obama is Amish! So he is. 

Central Pennsylvania, land of Paper Mills, Windmills, and now, the Obama rumor mill.

DotPenn writers are currently collecting and–what the hell–creating their own rumors about presidential candidate Barack Obama to keep Obama’s Fight the Smear site busy. Obama’s site is designed to respond to smears, rumors, and whitey lies.

Sven Waring, DotPenn correspondent, said opening up the Rumor Mill will give thousands of  central Pennsylvanians something better to do than going to church and expending shells at the local gunnery.

“We want to make sure that both the residents and members of the Obama campaign are kept busy,” Waring said as he rolled his fingers over a large silver crucifix that wrapped around his neck and gently tapped on the stock of a Winchester 30-30 that he cradled in his arm. “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop. Lord have mercy, can I get an Amen on that?”

According to Waring, the mill has already churned out a host of rumors and collected new ones from readers. They include:

• Barack Obama’s middle name is actually “Jacob,” Amish for “Hussein.”
• As a child, Obama was trained in an Amish madrassa where he lettered in shoe-fly pie making, barn raisin’, and sureptitious seizeure of political office.
• Obama will reveal his connection to the Amish religion immediately after he is sworn in as President.
• After his break from Rev. Wright, Obama asked his mentor to give his copy of Mein Kampf back.
• Michelle Obama never calls white people, “whitey;” it’s pronounced “honkey.”
• Obama plans to raise income tax to 50 percent and expand the social security payroll tax to include everyone, but Hollywood celebrities. And the Amish.

Dotpenn readers are invited to add their own Obama rumors in the comment section. These will be immediately forwarded to the Rumor Mill for shining and packaging before they are sent to the warehouse for distribution.
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Snyder Township: One giant leap backwards for mankind. 

Deep within the hollows of West Virginia hill country, Hickonaut Manny Loster dawns a suit that will help him adjust to life in the Hick-o-sphere, a multi-hundred dollar representation of life in Snyder Township.

Loster said the suit–which consists of denim bid overalls, a huge brass belt buckle, and a truck-driver hat with a Pennzoil logo–is uncomfortable and tacky, but necessary for the plan to re-terrarize Snyder Township.

“Often the weight of the belt buckle causes me to lose balance,” Loster said. “But I knew what I was getting into when I signed up for Hickonaut training.”

Loster and six other Hickonauts will spend the next 18 months living like Snyder Township residents, eating like Snyder Township residents, drinking like Snyder Township residents and not working like Snyder Township residents.

Scientists from Penn State and Johnstown Vo-Tech have painstakingly replicated the ecosystem of Snyder Township in an enclosed laboratory.

Dr. Sigmund Floyd, lead scientist for the Hick-o-Sphere project, said the experiment was not easy. “Vee haff to make sure the entire environment is eee-zactly like life in dis township, ja?” Floyd said. “And zee correct balance of both filth and squalor must be perfect.”

Scientists estimate that Snyder Township is seven-parts old cars on blocks, two parts rusted refrigerators, and one parts smelly t-shirts. Hickonauts also must get used to the atmosphere and cuisine of the township. To acclimate themselves, hick-o-nauts are breathing nothing but putrid air and existing on chewing tobacco and beer within the Hick-o-sphere.

Floyd is cagey when it comes to revealing whether the team will encounter intelligent life in Snyder Township. “Of course, vee hear all zee time rumors und stories dat there may be a smart people valking around zee township,” Floyd said. “Whether vee vill encounter zees non-hillbilly types, vee can only guess.”

Loster gets his own unusual questions from fans of the Hick-o-sphere program. “The number one question I get is: how do I go the bathroom in Snyder Township,” Loster said. “I guess I’ll just take a squat in the street like everyone else.”

The efforts of Dr. Floyd, Loster and other Hick-o-nauts will be examined in the upcoming Discovery Channel HD documentary, “The Right Snuff.”
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