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Buccaneers claim racial profiling and stereotyping are hurtful.

The news of pirates commandeering a oil supertanker off the Somalia coast is a double-edge cutlass for Dred Pirate Captain Jean “Hook Face” McGee. One one hand, he is proud of the resurgence of his profession; on the other hook, the incident is casting piracy in a bad light.

“Arrr… Piracy is a culture of piece, pieces of eight , aye, to be sure,” said Hook Face. “I’d be remiss if I didn’t address we do a little pillaging and the occasional mass rape of port communities. Just some intellectual honesty, arrr.”

Hook Face believes that images of pirates committing ghastly crimes has reinforced the belief that all pirates are bad. Hook Face said he was the victim of recent pirate profiling.

“Just the other day, I be trying to arrange a flight to the Keys for a little vacation and rampaging,” said Hook Face. “And I was forced to strip down to nothing more than me skivvies and patch. Arrr.. Twas quite an embarrassment, it was.”

First mate Dedson Mobiggins, a newly-initiated software pirate, said he has been verbally accosted on several occasions for the sake of his cultural affinity.

“I was laughed at for wearing my Jolly Rodgers lapel pin,” said Mobiggins. “I came to this country to live the way I pleased and, aye, the ready access to rum was a consideration to be sure.”

Derrick Shoelander, an Arrr Cap’n Liberties Union (ACLU) lawyer agrees with the pirates.

“Pirates are just like all the citizens of this country,” said Shoelander. ” ‘Ceptin’ they board a vessel every once in a while, kill the crew, and unload the treasure.”

Pirates say they will protest the insensitivity while raiding a seaside resort called Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

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Count Downula warned of possible bat migration hazard, as well.

Big Bird found out how NOT to get to Sesame Street: take a short cut over the Allegheny Ridge Wind Farm.

Bird, one of the stars of the The People’s Temple Television Systems’ political indoctrination programs, Sesame Street, was seriously injured while migrating across the Allegheny Ridge. Bird was flying with several members of his entourage when the incident occurred, police said.

“Man. We was just minding our business, talkin’ about old school old school when, Whap!” said Sam the Eagle, a frequent member of the Sesame posse. “Bird took it in the beak.”

A line of industrial wind turbines now stretch across the mountains that make up the Allegheny Ridge. While these turbines provide minimal power, they have been known to cut down on major bird and raptor populations and also serve as a way to restrict the length of time in office for local officials who vote for wind energy projects.

Bird would have been more seriously injured had the blades of the turbine been actually moving.

This post was sponsored by the letters, F and U.

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In other headlines…

Man faces 900 charges of sexual abuse.

PA lawmakers get raise.

Johnstown movie fans relate to story of the Undead.

 Crows dive bomb new Paterno “Scare-Joe”

Since Penn State won’t be getting rid of head football coach Joe Paterno any time soon, university officials are putting his likeness to good use.

Cardboard Joe Paterno cutouts will be placed around the campus in attempt to scare off flocks of crows that nest on campus, as well as potential football recruits.

Brendon Blucker, aviary specialist in the University’s school of Old Crow and Old Coach Sciences, said the images of Paterno should be enough to frighten away most ravens and crows to areas where their feces will be more appreciated, such as Clearfield or Philipsburg.

“In Clearfield, they’re just moving their economy away from horse and cow dung,” said Blucker. “With a higher nitrogen content, crow feces could be used to power their farms and plants, mainly meth plants.”

Blucker also believes cardboard cutouts with Joepa in his cane should frighten away most new recruits to Ohio State and other universities.

“We had a possible quarterback recruit come in here and he took one look at that cutout,” said Blucker. “And, zap, he ended up in Florida State. That’s how effective it is.”

Several naturalists do not see eye to beak with the plan. Jen Quayle, of the Autobomb Society, said crows should live wherever they want.

“As long as the birds are congregating peacefully, that’s their right as sentient beings,” said Quayle. “I’m just surprised officials don’t send out their thug police force to mace the birds.”

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In other headlines…

Preacher reportedly threatens a smiting.

Prisoners escape from bus. May take taxi next time.

Raystown Lake monster crap turns out to be algae.